2009 Summer Movie Guide

It’s that time of year again, when winter runs away, the sun comes out, the grass turns green and shorts and flip flops come out of hibernation, generally attached to legs that are fluorescent white. It’s the time of year when we forget all the deals with the devil we made during winter, offering to sell our souls if we could simply make a small fortune and move to the Caribbean. Yes, summertime is upon us and that means we can now stop cursing Old Man Winter for providing frozen tootsies and begin four months of vulgarity for hot-as-an-oven cars and crispy fried lawns.

May, June, July and August also means a barrage of movies that will definitely sap my bank account. As such, I’ve divided the releases by must see, maybe and miss. This way we can all save some dough and we won’t have to ask the president for an entertainment bailout.

Click the film title to watch the trailer!

Must See

“X-Men Origins: Wolverine” (5/1)

Hairy Hugh Jackman (“Australia”) is back as the feisty, clawed superhero, with this go-around set 20 years prior to the other “X-Men” movies. We learn about Wolverine’s past and his relationship with Sabertooth (Liev Schreiber). If you’re a movie pirate, you may have already downloaded the unfinished film off the Internet a few weeks ago.

“Star Trek” (5/8)

I like J.J. Abrams (“Mission: Impossible III”) as much as the next guy, but I have been what you might call a “Trekkie.” I re-watched a couple of the original movies to see if I was overly bitter and jaded, and the results are in – I’m not. But I’m willing to trust Abrams and the trailers look fantastic. Abrams’ version is a prequel, telling how Kirk, Spock, Bones, Scotty and the Enterprise gang linked up to start producing multitudes of Captain’s logs. If this ends up looking like a George Lucas CGI lovefest, I will be very grumpy.

“Terminator: Salvation” (5/21)

Be honest, when commercials for this sequel or prequel (depending on the angle you take, it could be both – maybe it’s a futurequel?) come on television, you can’t help but hear Christian Bale (“The Dark Knight”) yelling obscenities at the movie’s director of photography (“Oh, gooooood for yooooooou! And how was it? I hope it was ******* good!”). I know I do. Either way, Bale is a great actor and this movie looks awesomely explosive. Essentially it follows John Connor’s future leadership of the human’s resistance effort against the machines that have take over the world.

“Up” (5/29)

All you need to know about this movie is one word: Pixar (“Wall-E,” “Ratatouille,” “Cars,” et al). That should be enough.

“The Hangover” (6/5)

Mike Tyson playing the air drums to Phil Collins’ “In the Air” tonight was all I needed to put this comedy in my list of must see summer movies. Directed by Todd Phillips (“Old School”), the story follows four friends and their bachelor party shenanigans.

“Moon” (6/12)

This little sci-fi film that premiered at last year’s Sundance Film Festival is part “2001: A Space Odyssey” and part “Solaris.” It’s directed by Davie Bowie’s son, Duncan Jones, and stars Sam Rockwell (“Frost/Nixon”). It only has a limited release on June 12, so you may have to travel outside Cache Valley to catch this surefire gem. Stranded on the moon and going insane? How could it not be a winner?

“Year One” (6/19)

This movie from director Harold Ramis (“Groundhog Day”) stars Jack Black (“Tropic Thunder”) and Michael Cera (“Juno”) as two hunter-gathers who get booted from their village and then start on, what appears to be, the Biblical Backlot Tour. This almost was on the maybe list, but I have a hard time thinking the aforementioned trio could, despite Jack Black being a one-trick-pony, sink this Monty Python-esque comedy.

“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (6/26)

How could it be summer without hearing Shia LeBouf (“Eagle Eye”) the only dialogue he’s good for, his trademarked, “Noooo nooo nooo nooo no! Wait wait wait wait wait wait!” Still, let’s be frank, even with how annoying LeBouf can be, this is Michael Bay (“Transformers,” “Armageddon,” “The Rock”) and its Autobots versus Decepticons, Round Two. This might be vapid and full of explosions, but sometimes we need brainless and explosive in our lives.

“Public Enemies” (7/1)

This is director Michael Mann’s first feature since 2006′s “Miami Vice,” and with the exception of that stray from perfection, Mann is a master (see: “Collateral,” “Ali,” “The Insider,” “Heat” and “The Last of the Mohicans”). This movie follows the life and times of gangster John Dillinger and stars Johnny Depp (“Pirates of the Caribbean”), Christian Bale (“The Dark Knight”) and Marion Cotillard (“La Vie en Rose”).

“Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” (7/15)

I know I could be deported to the soon-to-be-defunct Guantanamo Bay for saying this, but I’ve never read any of the Harry Potter books. I’ve enjoyed all of the Potter movies and can say with a certainty – based on the trailer – this could be the best one yet. Ironically, with how dark the film appears in the preview, it’s been tagged with a PG rating. If I had to wager, I’d say Mr. Potter will wind up the box office champ.

“Funny People” (7/31)

The third film from Judd Apatow (“The 40 Year-Old Virgin” and “Knocked Up”) stars Adam Sandler as a comedian who reflects on his life and his choices when he learns he’s dying. I love Apatow’s ability to bring real life – messy, obscene and unfiltered – to the screen in a way that warms and winces at the same time. It stars Apatow regulars Seth Rogan (“Knocked Up”), Jonah Hill (“Superbad”) and Leslie Mann (“17 Again”), as well as Eric Bana (“The Other Boleyn Girl”) and Jason Schwartzman (“The Darjeeling Limited”).

“Inglorious Bastards” (8/21)

Quentin Tarantino (“Pulp Fiction,” “Kill Bill”) has been working on this opus for the better part of a decade and has handled it with extreme care, because, as he puts it, “[it was] some of the best writing I’ve ever done.” The film stars Brad Pitt (“The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”) as the leader of a group of Jewish-American soldiers who are sent to take down a group of Nazis in German-occupied France. Expect lots of blood and lots of quintessential Tarantino quirkiness and dark humor.

Maybes

“Angels & Demons” (5/15)

I might be one of a small group of people who hated both The Da Vinci Code in book and in movie. I enjoy Tom Hanks (“Charlie Wilson’s War”) and Ron Howard (“Frost/Nixon”), so here’s to hoping this second installment isn’t as truncated and boorish as the first.

“Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian” (5/22)

After success with the holiday release of “Night at the Museum” back in 2006, the studio thinks Ben Stiller can give this sequel enough to juice to make waves in a summer chock full with heavyweights. I think it’s better suited for another holiday release, especially going head-to-head with “Terminator Salvation.”

“Drag me to Hell” (5/29)

Sam Rami tries to help us all forget he directed the atrocious “Spiderman 3″ by giving us this creepy horror/thriller about a bank teller (Alison Lohman) who is cursed by a creepy old hag who just got booted for not paying her mortgage. Justin “I’m a Mac” Long co-stars.

“Land of the Lost” (6/5)

I love Will Ferrell, but this looks like just too much Will Ferrell for me. I’m actually more excited to see how Danny McBride holds up, as his supporting comedy roles in “Pineapple Express” and “Tropic Thunder” were wet-your-pants funny.

“The Taking of Pelham 123″ (6/12)

From director Tony Scott (“Déjà Vu”) comes this remake of two previous remakes based on a novel of the same name. Say that ten times fast. It stars John Travolta (“Wild Hogs”) as a New York subway hijacker and Denzel Washington (“American Gangster”) as the hostage negotiator.

“The Proposal” (6/19)

The trailer for this comedy with Sandra Bullock (“Premonition”) and Ryan Reynolds (“Adventureland”) is pretty funny, but I worry about all the funny bits having been played out in the preview. Here’s to hoping the Reynolds/Bullock chemistry and the supporting cast of Craig T. Nelson, Mary Steenburgen and Betty White can give it an extra push.

“Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs” (7/1)

Ray Romano (“Everybody Loves Raymond”), Denis Leary (“Rescue Me”) and John Leguizamo (“The Happening”) return with Seann William Scott (“Role Models”), Josh Peck (“The Wackness”) and Queen Latifah (“Hairspray”) for a third installment of the prehistoric CGI animated movie that should have stopped after the first. Sure, parents will take their kids and the kids will love it, but seriously, the little squirrel and his acorn bit is getting old. Real old.

“Brüno” (7/10)

Sacha Baron Cohen (“Borat”) dons another false persona, this time Brüno, a gay fashion reporter from Austria. The film almost got the dreaded NC-17 rating, so look for shocking scenes, most likely involving male nudity and Ron Paul. My only question is can Brüno be an intelligent and raunchy comedy at the same time, like “Borat” was? Or is Cohen’s shtick getting tiresome?

“G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” (8/7)

The nerd in me wants to see this movie kick booty at the box office, but the realist in me says Stephen Sommers (“The Mummy”) will find some way to muck it up (see: “Van Helsing”). Still, don’t think for a minute that I won’t be geeking out seeing Snake Eyes, Duke, Destro, Storm Shadow, Zartan and The Baroness on the big screen.

Misses

“Ghosts of Girlfriends Past” (5/1)

Matthew McConaughey plays a womanizing bachelor who is visited by all his past girlfriends (like “A Christmas Carol”) in order to realize he truly loves Jennifer Garner. Yawn. Isn’t this the premise of pretty much every McCounaughey movie? Enough already.

“Next Day Air” (5/8)

This movie looks like “Smokin’ Aces” and “Friday” got together and had a baby and what came out was something that should never be viewed by anyone with a speck of taste and/or pride.

“Dance Flick” (5/22)

You know what I hate? Terrorists. You know what I hate next to terrorists? Spoof movies like “Epic Movie” and “Meet the Spartans.” I hope this doesn’t even break the top ten, and if you see this, you should seriously consider institutionalizing yourself.

“Imagine That” (6/12)

Eddie Murphy plays a dad who discovers all the solutions to his business problem lie in his daughter’s imagination, whereupon he gets greedy, his daughter gets mad and then he finally does the right thing. Please for the love of all that is holy do not see this movie. This is like feeding the animals at the zoo.

“G-Force” (7/24)

Three words: Talking guinea pigs. Sigh.