James Cameron Should Shut His Piehole

By ANDY MORGAN

I’m sure you’ve heard the brouhaha James Grumpypants Cameron started last week by dropping a Cleveland Steamer on the recently released Piranha 3D, whereupon one of the movie’s producers, Mark Canton, responded in kind today with a longwinded email that was equally douchetastic as Cameron’s verbal napalm in his interview with Vanity Fair. And while I’m not impressed with either man’s behavior, I’m going to single out James Cameron because he was the instigator. All of those dives to the bottom of the ocean have caused his brain to forget the time old adage of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” James, you need to shut your piehole.

Why? Because 3D, whether in your blockbuster Avatar or in the trailer trash Piranha 3D, is absolutely, without question, 100 percent lame. It is all those things you describe in Vanity Fair – cheap, bad, bottom of the barrel and a last gasp. Honestly, James, I don’t know who is buttering your buns in Hollywood, but I challenge you to go sit in a multiplex in Anytown U.S.A where people aren’t vested in your financial success and ask them how much they enjoy 3D. They suffer through this absurd gimmick because their kids laugh and clap when stuff flies in their face. 3D is like letting your kids run wild at the McDonald’s Playland. It smells like pee and cheese, but the kids are having a good time and smiling and that’s enough to make mom and dad happy. Ironcially, kids enjoy 3D, but even they don’t really give a rat’s ass in the end. It’s about story and character and you achieved those with Avatar. Mark my words, James: 3D did not drive the success of Avatar. The story did. Period.

Personally, even though I hate 3D and hope it dies a swift death in the coming years, I can pat the filmmakers of Piranha 3D on the back and give them kudos for actually using 3D in the right way. It’s nothing more than a cheap parlor trick and should be used as such. In fact, because Piranha 3D uses the gimmick of 3D to their advantage, it highlights how insipid and gaudy other films become by adding 3D after the film has been shot. But then, really, why am I surprised? The Almighty Dollar rules Tinsletown as does the unchecked ego, which is what seems to be your problem, James. You are a damn fine filmmaker, Mr. Cameron and are right about a lot of things, but not this. Piranha 3D did it right.

Thoughts on Zach Snyder’s Sucker Punch Trailer

Apparently I was asleep in a cave when this trailer hit the web, but after watching it tonight, I have conflicting emotions. First and foremost, I want the movie to succeed. I absolutely loved every minute and detail of Zach Snyder’s 300 (2007), but I literally hated almost every minute of Watchmen (2009) and I’m not quite sure what to think of Snyder’s upcoming animated owl movie, Legend of The Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole.  Sucker Punch hits theaters on March 25, 2011 and showcases a near all-female cast, including Vanessa Hudgens (Bandslam), Abbie Cornish (Bright Star), Jamie Chung (Grown Ups), Jena Malone (The Messengers) and Emily Browning (The Uninvited).

Is it just me or does the trailer for Sucker Punch feel like a video game? It’s often said that video game to cinema translations don’t work because games are built on the foundation of spectacle and gameplay, not story. I tend to disagree with that notion, but I wonder if we’re entering an age where certain up and coming filmmakers, many of whom have played video games their entire lives, are now basing their visuals and foundations on some of the otherworldly imagery video games provide. In fact, the entire story of Sucker Punch, from what I can comprehend, seems like the basis for a video game.

Here is how Zach Snyder describes the film:

“Set in the 1950s, it tells the story of Baby Doll (Browning), who is trying to hide from the pain caused by her evil stepfather and lobotomy. She ends up in mental institution in Brattleboro, Vermont, and while there she starts to imagine an alternate reality. She plans to escape from that imaginary world but to do that she needs to steal five objects before she is captured by an unknown adversary. She has 5 days to escape before being lobotomized. In order to cope with the situation, she enters the hyper-real world of her imagination, and the lines between reality and dream begin to blur. She is joined with friends who are inmates from the institution. Lessons learned in the said fantasy world could help the girls escape their real-world fate.”

Check out the trailer and let me know your thoughts. This is on my radar, but after getting walloped in the balls by Kick-Ass and let down by Watchmen, I’ll go in extremely guarded.

Rumors Point to Riddler, But What Villain is Right for Batman 3?

I saw Inception last week for the second time and I think it’s high time I admit my man crush on Christopher Nolan. The guy is a genius and he’s on quite the hot streak with his directing. Think about it: Batman Begins (2005), The Prestige (2006), The Dark Knight (2008) and now, Inception (2010). That’s quite the run of fine films and his Rotten Tomatoes.com ratings speak to his ability. His lowest rating is for The Prestige (75%) and his highest is for Memento (93%). Those numbers might not mean anything to you, but they make me a little nervous. Nobody can stay perfect or on fire forever, and since Nolan’s next movie is the yet-to-be-titled third Batman film, I get a little worried it will be the movie where his fire burns out. I’ve grown so attached to the style and feel of Nolan’s Batman franchise that I absolutely need the (presumably) final movie to be solid gold. In a vapid Hollywood full of banality, Nolan has become my cinematic savior; he is a bright star in grey sky full of unintelligent, uninspired celluloid.

Still, I will admit, after watching Inception, my nervousness has died down somewhat. That movie is a masterpiece, so I trust Nolan and his team of writers, David S. Goyer and Jonathan Nolan, will hammer out a storyline and characters that will once again send moviegoers flocking to the multiplexes. We know some of what might be coming our way, because we know certain characters will return for the third film. Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale) will obviously be a Gotham fixture again in 2012, as will Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman), Alfred (Michael Caine) and Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman). But who will be the villain? Since The Dark Knight’s release in 2008, the Internet is abuzz with everything from Angelina Jolie as Catwoman, Johnny Depp or Joseph Gordon-Leavitt as The Riddler, or even Philip Seymour Hoffman as The Penguin. I won’t pretend to be an expert on Batman baddies, but those choices seem too easy. My gut tells me Nolan will dig a little deeper for a villain. Something tells me, unlike Sam Raimi and Spider-Man 3, that Nolan and Co. will be looking to serve story first, not fanboys.

So, with that said, here is my question to you: Who will be the villain in Batman 3, who would you cast and why? Go!

Even More Reasons to Hate George Moneybags Lucas

Photos from the set of The Empire Strikes Back have producer Gary Kurtz looking like some bearded, bright-eyed, Tinsletown version of Brigham Young. Sadly, for Star Wars fans, Kurtz and Lucas parted ways after TESB because Kurtz wanted to continue to tell special space stories and Lucas, aka Baron Papanoida, wanted to milk every last drop of golden juice from the toy teat the Star Wars saga had begun to spawn. Specifically, Kurtz and Lucas split after TESB because they couldn’t agree on how to proceed with the third film, 1983’s Return of the Jedi. Kurtz explains in his interview with The Los Angeles Times that he was particularly grouchy about Lucas wanting to bring back the Death Star, as well as the tidy, happy ending with the Ewoks. Kurtz claims Lucas’ thrust was merchandise, so he left and moved on to other, lamer projects, like The Dark Crystal.

Why is this relevant? Well, Kurtz was headed down to Celebration V in Orlando, Florida and decided to get some weighty matters off his chest with the LA Times beforehand. The entire article is fantastic reading, particularly if you feel punched in the soft parts by Lucas’ lame prequels, which Kurtz – surprise, surprise – thought were ok, but not great. Interesting. Kind of like Return of the Jedi.

Click here to read the entire article at the Los Angeles Times.

Dear Movie Blog: Yes, I Still Hate George Lucas

The Movie Blog.com has an article up about how George Lucas was persuaded by Bill Gates and Warren Buffett to join The Giving Pledge program wherein Lucas will give half of his fortune to charity. I think that’s swell and when you have a gazillion dollars, well, that’s probably a little easier to do than when you’re living paycheck-to-paycheck. Personally, I think all the pomp and circumstance is lame, but hey, billionaires want some limelight and want to pat themselves on the back. Yay for them.

But I digress. The question Francisco of The Movie Blog.com asks is this: [Do I] still hate George Lucas?

Yes, Francisco, I do.

Five years removed from the last prequel, Revenge of The Sith, and I still bristle at the piss-poor job Lucas did in directing and writing said films. Some now see a philanthropist wearing flannel and a salt and pepper pompadour and some even claim to see an artist. I see an egomaniac who got lucky. That self-centered vision, bullseyed on the almighty dollar, prevented The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of The Sith from being mentioned in the same breath as the original trilogy, and for that, I will always harbor animosity towards Baron Papanoida.

Still, he could redeem himself. If he chooses to make another trilogy, which now, with half his fortune bidding him adieu, seems like a foregone conclusion, he could hand over writing duties and directing duties to fresh blood and I’d be 100 percent happy and confident in that trilogy. As George’s generous giving shows, he’s better at writing checks than anything else.

Redbox Going Blu for $1.50 a Day

It was only a matter of time before Redbox introduced Blu-ray DVDs into their self-serve kiosks, and in all actuality one could argue Redbox is late to the game. I am a loyal Netflix member and their large selection of Blu-ray releases is the main reason. Still, $1.50 a night for a Blu-ray isn’t a bad deal and depending on future selection (see below), I might end up giving Netflix a nice pruneslam, especially where they have rejected me as an affiliate in Linkshare and Google’s Affiliate Network, with no justification or answer to my cries of “WTF?”.

At any rate, Redbox’s official announcement was last Friday, July 30, and a Blu-ray Disc Availability page was up shortly thereafter. A quick search of zipcode 84321 shows 14 Blu-ray locations in Cache Valley. I decided to check it out for myself and investigated the Redbox at 7-11 at the corner of Main Street and 1400 North. Surprise, surprise, the location did in fact have Blu-ray discs and I’m taking home The Book of Eli tonight in vending-dispensed hi-def to cap the whole experience.

Bottom line: Depending on future titles, this might trump my use of Netflix, especially if I’m super-prompt in watching the movies the day I rent them, which, I won’t lie, is usually not the case. Just at Netflix. I had Flame and Citron for five months before I finally watched it and sent it back for The White Ribbon, which I’ll probably have until Christmas.

For a list of all Cache Valley locations, click this link. As always, your opinions are welcome.

Thanks for Screwing Me Over, Twihards!

Despite opening on 4,468 screens and having a rabid fanbase of emotional tweens, teens and housewives, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which I thought was a decent movie – easily the best in the Twilight franchise, isn’t even going to come close to Toy Story 3’s summer score at the box office. As of this writing, Edward and Jacob sit a cool $100 million behind Buzz and Woody. Hell, it hasn’t even beaten its predecessor, The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

So, thanks for nothing Twihards. Hot Topic might have won, but I sure didn’t. I thought for sure you loons would win me a steak. I didn’t realize the Team Edward and Team Jacob throng, while loud and obnoxious, was actually pretty small. Sure, your multiple viewings have generated $285 million in domestic revenue for Summit Entertainment, but your Stephanie Meyer-created Holy Grail doesn’t resonate with Joe and Jill the Plumber. Maybe the 16 Twilight-free months between now and November 18, 2011, when Breaking Dawn (the first part) hits theaters, will blue ball you folks into taking that movie to new heights money-wise. But probably not, because as we’re learning movie-by-movie, Twilight isn’t a universe – like Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter; it’s an emotion and the heartstrings can only carry you so far and only attract so many, just ask the daytime soaps.

At any rate, it appears I’ll be taking KVNU’s Tyler Riggs to Golden Corral so he can enjoy a succulent sirloin and dine amongst all the nursing home escapees and illegal immigrants. A bet is a bet and Mr. Riggs has once again proven prophetic. Kudos to you, Tyler and a hearty bowl of FU soup to the Twilight fans that screwed me over. If only you had all seen it 12 times instead of five! Damn you!

What I Learned at the 2010 Comic-Con

By BRYCE CASSELMAN

When people heard I was attending Comic-Con this year, they would often ask me if I was going to dress up. “No,” I’d say, “I’m a fan, not a freak.”

I’ve used this response for a while now, mostly to defend myself against being mocked by the ‘normal’ people in my life, for enjoying the things that I love.

However, what I discovered about those ‘freaks’ when I actually attended the convention this year…you know the folks that go to conventions and dress up as their favorite character, genre or even something brand new, was that I was not only wrong…but that I’d seriously misjudged them.

What I found was that these are truly good people, with giant hearts and that they’ve simply found something they love and want to express it.

… Continue Reading

Dear Shia: Indy 4 Sucking Wasn’t Your Fault

Like George Lucas’ Star Wars prequels and Steven Spielberg’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is a shared blight between the two legendary filmmakers and was a giant disappointment. Like the new offerings to the other franchises, I initially forced myself to like the movie, but on subsequent viewings realized I was in love with the nostalgia, not the actual movie. Shia LaBeouf, who played Indy’s son Mutt Williams in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, seems to think the movie’s poopiness is his fault. In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, he said:

“I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished. You get to monkey-swinging and things like that and you can blame it on the writer and you can blame it on Steven. But the actor’s job is to make it come alive and make it work, and I couldn’t do it. So that’s my fault. Simple.”

No, Shia, as much as your shtick is the same in every movie and that’s wearing on my like a pair of undersized tighty-whities, I don’t think The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was your fault. Not even close. It’s Lucas’ fault and, frankly, Spielberg’s fault. These guys suffer from King Midas syndrome and think whatever they touch, even just by name, will turn to gold. These guys might be making money like crazy, but tell me the last time one of them made a movie you would call “classic” or “beloved.” For Lucas it’s been since 1983 and for Spielberg (because Saving Private Ryan might be classic, but not beloved) it’s been since 1993. Later in the interview, LaBeouf seems to acknowledge Spielberg screwed up with the fourth Indiana Jones film and he calls him out. He also dry humps his leg in the process, but he says this:

“I love him. I love Steven. I have a relationship with Steven that supersedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I’m not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. I think he’s a genius, and he’s given me my whole life. He’s done so much great work that there’s no need for him to feel vulnerable about one film. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

So now the question is has LaBeouf officially written himself out of future Indy movies (please God say yes) and what direction does the franchise take now? Do they continue with Ford, or go a different route. Personally, I’d love to see a re-boot. Harrison Ford is 68 and a new movie is at least two to three years away, so a restart with an Indy in his early or mid-twenties would fit the bill nicely.

Kane & Lynch Looks to Be Another Video Game Movie that Sucks

I love video games and would love to see a popular title make it to the big screen and receive rave reviews. Someday the translation from XBOX, PS3, Wii or PC to the silver screen will be good enough to cause Roger Ebert to recant his statement that “video games can never be art.” But I promise you right now this will not happen with the Kane & Lynch movie hitting theaters sometime in 2011. Bruce Willis and Jamie Foxx have signed on to play Kane and Lynch respectively, a nefarious duo  - one a mercenary, the other a schizophrenic – out for revenge and looking to get their dirty mitts on a stolen fortune. Considering the movie is coming from the never-been-heard of screenwriter of 3 Rounds (a movie I’ve never heard of either) and a stunt coordinator turned director, I’d say this has box office crapout written all over it.

What are your thoughts? Have you played the game? I considered putting it in my Gamefly queue, but it looks like one of those games that would force me to take a shower after.