If It Wasn’t Fake, Arbor Daze Would Be Real

There’s something loathsome about about the fabricated “family” films major studios putting out. You know the kind– dumbed down to oblivion, they feel like vapid, assembly lined back door attempts to make kids stupid. At once I feel guilty for saying that (they’re for kids, not me) and also right on target. Movies like Alvin and the Chipmunks, Aliens in the Attic, Bedtime Stories, Daddy Day Care, The Pacifier, etc. always deliver a lesson to be learned, but audiences of any age have to go through a ridiculous gauntlet of foolishness and idiocy in the getting there.

The prefab family films I’m knocking inevitably have a “star” anchor– many times one who’s looking for a little career resuscitation and/or a paycheck: Vin Diesel. Dwayne Johnson. Eddie Murphy…. Tim Allen. Which is why I love this spoof called Arbor Daze in which Tim Allen himself not only knocks the cookie-cutter “family” genre, but pokes his own eye for being involved in them. The clip hits every ridiculous beat these films and their trailers are known for and, in the self-justifying world of my mind, justifies my grumpiness about all this.

Enjoy?

Cranky Monday: Pete Hammond Can Suck It

“The most visually inventive, trailblazing film of its kind in light years. The heart-stopping, extreme summer action movie of your dreams.”

Do you know who Pete Hammond is? You probably don’t recognize his picture and he probably looks like he could be your accountant or possibly the manager of your local grocery store. But you do in fact know Pete Hammond because his syrupy, gag-me-with-a-spoon movie review blurbs are plastered over posters, ads and trailers for movies all the time. That might seem like jealousy, but trust me, it’s not. Since his days at Maxim, to his current writing for BoxOffice Magazine.com and Hollywood.com, Hammond is a master craftsman at taking a big juicy turd and shining it up so it gleams like the best movie ever made. Literally, most of what he says borders on the ridiculous and frankly, I don’t know how this guy has a job.

At any rate, I’m sure he’s a nice guy, but this quote from his review of The Blind Side made my head spin:

Bullock may have found her Erin Brockovich in Tuohy, commanding the screen with grit and determination in an Oscar-worthy role if ever there was one. Her southern accent is spot-on and Hancock’s script offers her plenty of crowd-pleasing moments all of which she plays with smarts and conviction.

Listen, I love Sandra Bullock. I really do. And she is a sound actress, but her performance in The Blind Side is not “an Oscar-worthy role if ever there was one.” Not even close. Of course, Hammond drawing the comparison between Julia Roberts’ Oscar win for her role as the title character in Erin Brockovich is telling and a whole other argument, one that is easily summed up in four words: She shouldn’t have won. But, again, that’s another post.

We’ll have a review of The Blind Side on Thursday, so check back. In the meantime, just know I think Pete Hammond can suck it. He falls into a group of movie critics I absolutely despise: the ones who have a Cialis moment for everything Hollywood spits out. The other group I despise are the snobbish doucheys who only like movies with aberrant sex and subtitles. There’s a happy medium and even though we’re dealing in opinions, some seem more legit than others.

Cranky Monday: What the Hell’s so Special About Taiwan Anyway, Avatar?

Don’t get me wrong. Taiwan is rad. SO rad. Not only rad enough that the U.S. would go to fisticuffs with China over it, but rad enough the Avatar campaign bus has just dropped off a load of new footage at their Yahoo! site.

The appetite-whetting footage is found in yet another featurette that, if you’re not already aware, pretty much lays out the whole story. The best part? You can understand the whole thing because it’s all in English. And while we can all look forward to Avatar “revolutionizing” the world of cinema forever when it comes out December 18, apparently it was unable to teach its cast to speak Chinese. Revolutionary my ass.

Check it out here.

[Edit: Or here, for you xenophobic types]

THEN, (you know, if you want to) check out the loooong, plot-detailed trailer below that aired for American audiences on TV a few days back.

Cranky Monday: Bad Mannered Movie Patrons = A-Holes

If you get out your cell phone after the lights have dimmed in a movie theater and text or talk, you are a bad mannered jackass. If you think the movie is your own personal Mystery Science Theater 3000 and you chit chat through the previews and throughout the movie, you should have the letter D branded in your forehead, because you are a douche. I know, I know. Call me an old-fashioned curmudgeon, but I believe in a code of conduct at the movies and I think most other theatergoers feel the same. Most normal folks have this hardwired into their brains in the form of common courtesy and manners, but it seems some, both young and old, have missed this important rung on the evolutionary ladder of human development. These are the Movie A-Holes and we’ve all encountered them.

The High School Clique

It can be all boys, all girls or a mix, but these floppy haired, hat-askew, tight-jeaned Pac-Sun preferred shoppers can be a testy melange of all the bad movie manners in one row of unruliness. Talking, cell phone use and all-around rudeness ooze from this group. Still, because they are younger and more apt to cower like a scolded child, they can be fun to beat down during and after the movie.

The Comedian

This is the guy, like in my viewing of Paranormal Activity, who shouts something he thinks is funny, like “Go back to bed, bitch!”, when it’s quiet and everyone will hear him. Females rarely make this offense. 99.9% of the time it’s a guy and probably one who has a pair of testicles hanging from his trailer hitch. Yes, you are an idiot. Shut your mouth.

The Editorialist

Similar in rudeness and sheer decibel to The Comedian, sitting next to this moron is like watching a film with a movie critic stricken with Tourette Syndrome.  He or she simply blurts, loudly, all of the opinions that cross their mind during the feature. I could be wrong, but I think it’s permissible to take a long swig of Diet Coke and spit the fizzy drink in their face. Kind of like hitting a dog on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

… Continue Reading

CRANKY MONDAY: Sequel Proves Vampire Fans Will Watch Anything

“Vampires are lame. LAME.”

That’s a mantra around here and one, if we’re being honest, one more people should live by. With it, we’d be free of the embarrassingly self-titled Twihards, Victorian vampire lovers (I’m looking at you pale Goth guy/girl with the black buckles and straps) and the Downs Syndrome “please don’t scream again because I don’t like punching myself in the face” screechers from 30 Days of Night. All the unhealthy life-longing and self-loathing could then be channeled into something more productive. Like… anything.

Hey, speaking of the refreshingly new idea’d, gorgeously shot but agonizingly executed graphic novel adaptation  30 Days of Night– did you know it had an upcoming sequel in the works? A sequel called Dark Days? It’s true. If you vaguely remember, (*SPOILER*highlight the blank stuff to read) the wife lives after her husband, Eben, sacrifices himself after becoming a vampire. (*END SPOILER*) Actually, the whole sequel is a spoiler, so we can’t reveal what it’s about in good conscience. Just know a sequel is coming, it doesn’t take place in Alaska and it has a girl with a big knife she probably uses to cut vampires with. The pic above is your first image. It’s yours to large-ify by clicking.

Image Courtesy SPWAG/Stage 6
Photo credit: Chris Large

CRANKY MONDAY: Blair Witch Dudes See “Paranormal Activity”, Stupidly Think World Wants More Blair Witch

1999 was the year the world almost came to an end thanks to the number 19 and the year 2k, but the world ushered in the Willenium anyway. It was also the year The Blair Witch Project became the movie phenomenon of last decade. Naturally, the guys behind Blair Witch see the this decade’s movie phenomenon Paranormal Activity and are a little pouty, despite the fact they didn’t want to be attached to endless sequels and therefore walked away from directing Blair Witch 2: Book of Crappy Sequels.

One of the dudes says this:

“I wouldn’t be completely honest with you if I said I wasn’t jealous of Paranormal Activity,” Sánchez says. “I’m happy for the guy … but at the same time, there’s the feeling that, man, I could have done this. It would have been different and might not have been as good. But I know how to make these films. To me it’s like, man, maybe I should go back and kind of milk this one more time.”

Here’s to honesty, brother. The kind of honesty that says you’re dumb because dude– you already did it and dude- that tit you want to milk is shriveled dry. Begone!

To read the full article about the Blair Witch Dudes and their attempts to ride the coattails of their own coattail riders, click here.

Thanks to Mr. Alex Riviello at CHUD for the heads up.