Archive for the 'Offbeat and Odd' Category

Devin Faraci’s Twilight Tantrum is Hilarious!

Published by Andy on December 2, 2009 in Almost News and Offbeat and Odd. 5 Comments Tags: , , , , .

breakingdawnI haven’t read one word of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, but I have seen the movies and they’re nothing special. I have read two pages of Meyer’s novel, The Host, and I thought it was absolute poop. Not just poop, in fact, but cat poop, which is the worst. At any rate, I’m not going to start banging the I-Hate-Twilight drum, because I also refuse to jump on it’s sibling, the I-Dry-Hump-Twilight bandwagon. I prefer to stay Switzerland on this topic.

Devin Faraci of CHUD.com isn’t so neutral on the subject of Twilight and especially the last novel of the series, Breaking Dawn. Faraci is a highly-regarded member of the online film community and is definitely a lightning rod with his succinct and oftentimes scathing opinions. However, if you happen to agree with him, he is pretty damn funny.  And while I won’t take pot shots at Meyer’s Mormon religion like Faraci does, I will agree with him that she is a terrible writer. I tip my hat to her on the success she’s had, but pound-for-pound her stories and her ability are questionable. Frankly, I think Meyer’s success can be attributed to the brainless buying many in our society do on a daily basis. If something has buzz and is ranked high on a list it must be good and worthy of my hard-earned dollars. Right? Wrong.

Back to Faraci – here’s one of my favorite paragraphs in his Breaking Dawn beatdown:

The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

He continues:

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

You can read the full text of Faraci’s scathing rant here, but what do you think? Have you read Breaking Dawn? From what I gather it’s the least favorite book amongst the Twihards. Or, are we all heartless bastards? If so, please, enlighten us.

New Moon Fans Quickly Taking the Cake as Biggest Freaks on Earth

Published by Andy on November 15, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 5 Comments Tags: , .

Rumor has it Twilight fans were only a breath away from eclipsing Star Wars and Star Trek fans as the biggest dorks on the planet, but these two girls going bananas over New Moon actors Edi Gathegi (Laurent) and Jamie Campbell Bower (Caius) apparently tipped the scales in favor of the Twihards. Thanks to the Salt Lake Tribune for the image, taken yesterday at the Fashion Place Mall in Murray.

20091114_110406_New Moon rotator

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Please God Don’t Let Dane Cook Play the Riddler

Published by Andy on November 11, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 9 Comments Tags: , , .

I realize this is just Dane Cook having a Cialis moment about what movies he’d like to be a part of, but honestly, if this ever happened, I’d take all my Christopher Nolan movies out into the street and set them on fire. I’d also set my Batman underpants on fire and would drive to Joel Schumacher’s house, drop to one knee and punch him in the satchel. Yes, that’s how terrible, awful and unforgiving a Dane Cook Batman casting would be. He could play a limo driver or just a guy sitting at a park bench watching squirrels and not have any dialog and I’d still go with my plan of devastation and nutsackular jihad. Check out the MTV clip below courtesy of MTV’s Movie Blog.

“What would your Riddler be like?” Really? I hope the girl interviewing lost her job and in in a bread line right now.

Did I mention I think Dane Cook blows? No? Well, he does.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag Gets REAL

Published by Dan on October 8, 2009 in Just for Fun and Offbeat and Odd. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

tauntaun-sleepingbag-embed3Waaay back in April, ThinkGeek April-Fooled many a Star Wars nerd with their Tauntaun sleeping bag. Seems everyone wanted to nestle their middle-aged spare tires and a box of cookies children into its fleece-lined innards. Reader Jason even went so far as to say “They had better produce and market this. It could single handedly stimulate our economy out of this recession.”

Well Jason, consider your wish Thinkgeek’s command, because dudes scored a license from Lucasfilm and are ready to produce these suckers from right out of your wildest dreams and–for $99.99– onto your floor. Sadly, the bag spans a kid-sized 5′ 5″ in length, so unless buyers are hobbits, man-fans will still have to watch their prequel/sequel marathons from under the cover of 32% body fat or the limited edition comforter scored off E-bay from Starwarsjunksale69. Wah-waaaah.

Check out the details and preorder your own right here.  In the mean time, come November, I expect a quick exit from this recession.

Just Because I’m Bitter

Published by Andy on April 28, 2009 in Coming Soon and Offbeat and Odd. 3 Comments Tags: , , .

Nuggets Lakers BasketballYeah, I’ll admit: I’m bitter.

My Utah Jazz lost to the Los Angeles Lakers in five games and Kobe Bryant gave me another reason to despise him more than I already do.  Yeah, yeah, yeah, there will never be another Michael Jordan, blah, blah, blah. I get that. But Bryant (and Lebron James now, too) have this ability to literally will their teams to a victory. That’s part of the reason I want to punch Bryant in the soft parts. The other reason is he seems by all accounts an arrogant douche.

Have you heard of ESPN’s Kobe documentary premiering on May 17th? Yeah, me neither, but apparently Spike Lee did a “day in the life of Kobe” for the all-sports network. It’s called “Kobe Doin’ Work.”  How’s that for the most lame and underwhelming title of the year?  At any rate, the documentary by Lee is getting bad press as of late and it seems The New York Post has more juicy details that further cement Bryant’s reputation as a controlling, whiny prima donna.

Check out the New York Post article by following this link, and read the Lost Angeles Times not-so-favorable review of “Kobe Doin’ Work” here. If you’re half interested in checking out Spike Lee’s efforts on May 17th, you can view the trailer at Apple.com.

Joaquin Phoenix Nutjob Plague Spreads to Billy Bob

Published by Andy on April 9, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 1 Comment Tags: , .

joaquin-phoenix-beardRemember back in February when Joaquin Phoenix was on The Late Show with David Letterman and appeared as if  (a) aliens had abducted him and replaced him with the biggest doped out nerd from their planet or (b) was under the influence of some extremely heavy pain medication – most likely because his new beard was so heavy, or (c) suffered some mental trauma after staring at Reese Witherspoon’s chin while  filming “Walk the Line.” Your guess is as good as mine. Either way, he’s a nutjob and has retired from movies and moved into his new career as a craptastic rap artist.

Well, move over Joaquin. According to CNN and The LA Times, Billy Bob Thornton suffered a little pissy hissy fit meltdown on a Canadian radio program. Why? Apparently Mr. Thornton wants to be considered a serious musician and wants no reference to his acting career mentioned in the same breath as his playing the drums with his hillbilly band, The Boxmasters.

Here’s what I think: These guys are smug, arrogant bastards. Joaquin Phoenix is having a delayed meltdown from his acting in “Space Camp,” and Billy Bob is just pissed he’s currently the most typecast actor in Hollywood. Guess what Billy Bob, just because you get work doesn’t mean you have talent. When a studio needs an angry, redneck old man to play an angry, redneck old man, they call you. That’s a one note dog and pony show headlined by only you.

Both these guys will crap out in their respective music careers, just as Michael Jordan flunked at baseball.

See both bizarre videos below.

 

The Glorious Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

Published by Andy on April 2, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 3 Comments Tags: .

tauntaun-sleepingbag1ThinkGeek.com had the best April Fools’ Day product ever created in the history of false products with this Tauntaun sleeping bag. I know this is a joke, but seriously – this needs to be real. This is goldmine waiting to be mined by husky, hairy dwarfs.  Think of all the possibilites. You could be camping with your buddies, maybe perchance you had a little too much pork n’ beans, and after campfire singing and post-dinner flatulance, you can utter, in the confines of your Tauntaun sleeping bag the immortal words, “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”

Star Wars Nerds Love April Fools’ Day

Published by Andy on April 1, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 1 Comment Tags: , , , .

star-wars-nerdAnother April Fools’ Day is upon us and Star Wars fans are celebrating by basting their fantasies all over the web in the spirt of pulling your Jedi leg. I’ve seen two fake news posts today about a “new” trilogy in the works over at Lucasfilm. One, from The Movie Blog, states George Lucas is moving onward with the “Legacy Trilogy,” based on some comic books and set 125 years after “Return of the Jedi.” Another post, found on Firefox News, notes that “Juno” screenwriter Diablo Cody has been tapped by Lucas to write the screenplay for “Star Wars Episode VII.”

Listen, I love “Star Wars” too. It’s the franchise that taught me to love movies. It’s also the franchise, with it’s craptastic prequels, that taught me I don’t need to defend filmmakers who, regardless of nostalgia and memories, turn out bad movies. And let’s face it folks – the prequels were bad. At their best, they have snippets of genius, but are best viewed as trailers, not as films. I’d welcome a return to Star Wars on the big screen, but with a new director, a no-name cast, none of the silly kid nonsense and a tone and feel like “Batman Begins” and/or “The Dark Knight.”

Until then, I say boo. And until then, I laugh at the fanboys via Robot Chicken.