By ANDY MORGAN
I’m sure you’ve heard the brouhaha James Grumpypants Cameron started last week by dropping a Cleveland Steamer on the recently released Piranha 3D, whereupon one of the movie’s producers, Mark Canton, responded in kind today with a longwinded email that was equally douchetastic as Cameron’s verbal napalm in his interview with Vanity Fair. And while I’m not impressed with either man’s behavior, I’m going to single out James Cameron because he was the instigator. All of those dives to the bottom of the ocean have caused his brain to forget the time old adage of “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” James, you need to shut your piehole.
Why? Because 3D, whether in your blockbuster Avatar or in the trailer trash Piranha 3D, is absolutely, without question, 100 percent lame. It is all those things you describe in Vanity Fair – cheap, bad, bottom of the barrel and a last gasp. Honestly, James, I don’t know who is buttering your buns in Hollywood, but I challenge you to go sit in a multiplex in Anytown U.S.A where people aren’t vested in your financial success and ask them how much they enjoy 3D. They suffer through this absurd gimmick because their kids laugh and clap when stuff flies in their face. 3D is like letting your kids run wild at the McDonald’s Playland. It smells like pee and cheese, but the kids are having a good time and smiling and that’s enough to make mom and dad happy. Ironcially, kids enjoy 3D, but even they don’t really give a rat’s ass in the end. It’s about story and character and you achieved those with Avatar. Mark my words, James: 3D did not drive the success of Avatar. The story did. Period.
Personally, even though I hate 3D and hope it dies a swift death in the coming years, I can pat the filmmakers of Piranha 3D on the back and give them kudos for actually using 3D in the right way. It’s nothing more than a cheap parlor trick and should be used as such. In fact, because Piranha 3D uses the gimmick of 3D to their advantage, it highlights how insipid and gaudy other films become by adding 3D after the film has been shot. But then, really, why am I surprised? The Almighty Dollar rules Tinsletown as does the unchecked ego, which is what seems to be your problem, James. You are a damn fine filmmaker, Mr. Cameron and are right about a lot of things, but not this. Piranha 3D did it right.