Paramount Celebrates Summer Sextuplets

paramountIf you strain really hard and use your imagination, summer is just around the corner. Can you feel it? I can… and it feels like awesome.

Awesome because Paramount Studios just announced their official summer release slate. What makes Paramount any more awesome than say, Universal, Dreamworks, Disney or any other studio basking in warm California sunshine as I shovel my driveway? Because they’ve got three biggie releases destined to line Paramount’s pantsuit with lots of recession devalued Global Currency and three middies that just might make some Jr. bank as well.

The release dates look a little something like this:

Star Trek – 5/8
Ever wonder how Kirk and crew became closest of friends? Hyper-prolific director/producer/writer J.J. Abrams, the bad guy from Heroes and a United Federation of Planets-sized starship full of CGI effects are about to show you.

Dance Flick – 5/22
If you’re tired of spoof movies (Scary Movie ad infinitum, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, etc.) Dance Flick will probably make you sad. This time,  the dry well of curiously beloved spoof-a-bunch-of-popular-movies genre sends up the booty-shake tale– you know, the movies like Dirty Dancing and Step Up where some chaste girl hooks up with some rough ‘n’ naughty (but secretly sweet!) guy to dance their way to glory and parental disapproval.

Imagine That – 6/12
Eddie Murphy’s daughter sees corporate mergers and conundrums solved in her magical world of make-believe. Eddie learns that sometimes you can love your kids more if they can make you rich– as well as some valuable life lessons on life and never ever throwing away the doodles on the refrigerator.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – 6/24
The biggest, explodiest, robotiest film of the year. Also, the most controversial amongst men who still play with toys. Rumor has it Bumblebee cries windshield washer fluid, a robot employs a barking spider and one of Transformer fandom’s most beloved characters hobbles around with a cane. Nerd-dom is not pleased.

GI JOE – 8/7
Hoping to erase the abomination that was, and remains, Van Helsing, director Stephen Sommers brings America’s favorite Kung-Fu grip to a theater near you– tongue planted mildly in cheek.

The Goods: The Don Ready Story – 8/14
In what could be comedy Valhalla, Anchorman, Talledega Nights and Step Brothers creators Will Farrell and Adam McKay launch a comedy about a used car salesman as played by fish-hater Jeremy Piven. If that’s not enough to pique your interest, it’s directed by Neal Brennan– creator of Chapelle’s Show, which, if you didn’t know already, is the funniest program to embrace that black hole you call your TV since Buck Rogers did the sexy dance with Twiggy in tow.

Mark your calendars!

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