Ranking the Super Bowl Movie Trailers

Right now the Pittsburgh Steelers are wiping salty tears from their beards (ones that would make the leaders of Planet Beardatron proud) and the Green Bay Packers are trying to keep the homoerotic shower celebrations to a minimum as they soap their mullets with Prell.

The rest of us?

Well, I don’t know about you, but aside from trying to digest the spicy chili I ate four and a half hours ago, I’m trying to sift through the heap of commercials I watched and decide which of the movie trailers inspired me and which made me pummel my plums. As a side note, I’m surprised there wasn’t a commercial for The Hangover II, Green Lantern, X-Men: First Class, and even Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II. Go figure.

After careful deliberation, here are my rankings (click the movie title to watch the trailer):

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (July 1, 2011)

It’s easy to crap on Michael Bay (Pearl Harbor, Armageddon) and it was super easy to give the middle finger to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, but Bay knows how to blow stuff up and anytime the robots in disguise are scheduled for big screen face time, I’m pumped. This commercial did nothing but stoke my fire for summer even more.

Super 8 (June 10, 2011)

Finally a little more understanding, after the teaser trailer hit the web last May, as to what director J.J. Abrams (Star Trek) has planned for us this summer. Okay, maybe not that much more, but I have to give the trailer-putter-together-people props because I still don’t know what the hell is happening, but I am intrigued and ready to fork over my time and money to Tinsletown.

Cowboys & Aliens (July 29, 2011)

Listen, I am already sold on Jon Favreau’s sci-fi Western, but a trailer with Olivia Wilde (Tron: Legacy) nearly naked does nothing but make me giddy for July.

Battle: Lost Angeles (March 11, 2011)

Aliens-invade-Earth-to-plunder-our-natural-resources has been done many times before, but I’m a sucker for Marines doing battle with interstellar baddies, as well as explosions and a District 9 gritty feel that has this movie plugged into the new start of summer, the beginning of March.

Captain America: The First Avenger (July 22, 2011)

I’ve been on the fence with this movie because I’m not head-over-heels with director Joe Johnston (The Wolfman), but it’s Captain America for crying-out-loud and I dig the old school look-and-feel. If Johnson can bring the same life to Captain America as Favreau did for Iron Man, this could be a sleeper hit.

Just Go With It (February 11, 2011)

Five words: Brooklyn Decker in a bikini.

Priest (May 13, 2011)

I’ll be honest, this movie wasn’t even on my radar for summer 2011, but since I like action movies and non-Twilight vampires, this trailer gave me a little zing. If there are millions that felt like me before this clip aired during the game, count this a win for Sony.

Thor (May 6, 2011)

I have zero interest in the character of Thor. He wields a hammer, wears a Viking hat and looks like he wants to sell you Brawny paper towels. Whoopdiddydoo. Listen, I think Natalie Portman is hot stuff, but the only reason, and it’s a nerd one, that I’ll be tuning into Thor, is to see how actor Kenneth Branagh (Valkyrie) shapes up as director.

Kung Fu Panda 2 (May 26, 2011)

I’ll admit, the first Kung Fu Panda, back in 2008, was a pleasant, warm-hearted surprise. This trailer didn’t really light my fire, but it definitely brought back the crowd-pleasing memories of the charming original. Let’s hope Jack Black doesn’t eff this up by being Jack Black.

Rango (March 4, 2011)

After my initial revulsion and my general distrust in non-summer animated movies, I have to admit this Rango is starting to grow on me, probably for the same reason I have any interest whatsoever in seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Johnny Depp.

Fast Five (April 29, 2011)

I don’t want to like this. I don’t. Still, adding the artist formally known as The Rock and lots of cool car chases and explosions is like crack cocaine, especially for someone like me who is dying to get the frick out of winter weather. This trailer just smells like sunshine and tan oil.

Pirates of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (May 20, 2011)

Yes, I want to see this (see the blurb above for Rango), but this trailer offered absolutely nothing new to warm my coals for its May release. Boo!

The Adjustment Bureau (March 4, 2011)

Matt Damon (True Grit) and Emily Blunt (Gulliver’s Travels) are great, but I’m more excited to see another Philip K. Dick story hit the big screen (Blade Runner, Total Recall, Minority Report, A Scanner Darkly). Still this movie has seen its release date moved and the 30 second Super Bowl spot didn’t really offer much.

Drive Angry 3D (February 25, 2011)

3D and Nicholas Cage makes for a pretty campy pairing if you ask me and this movie looks absolutely ridiculous. I’d say the oh-so-sexy Amber Heard could save it, but she’s a lesbian and thus my fantasies won’t come true, so whatever. I have zero interest in this flick.

Limitless (March 18, 2011)

This looks like a thriller, but really it’s just a chick-flick. I don’t want to stare at Bradley Cooper for two hours and remember how he is way sexier than me. Bastard.

Rio (April 15, 2011)

I haven’t wanted to see this animated bird flick and the trailer during the Super Bowl actually made me even less interested. This smells like a big fat bomb.

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