Twilight is what it is: Love it, hate it or care less.
I don’t begrudge anyone their love for the series, but tend to hold coats in the “care less” line. The new trailer for the latest entry (directed by 30 Days of Night’s David Slade and chomping at the bit for its June 30 release) doesn’t help, considering it could have easily been used for last year’s New Moon. Has such a simple story ever felt like its climax has been so needlessly strung out? You know, besides Harry Potter?
Bella: I hate my life… wait! Oh, you’re hot. And pale.
Edward: Yes, I am. I’m also a 100-something year old pedophile, but luckily I’m trapped in this teenage body because I’m a vampire.
Bella: –Swoon– I’m so in love with you.
Edward: I love you too. And by I love you too, I mean you smell really good and I want to eat your neck.
Bella: Go for it, but I think some other vampires want my neck.
Edward: No they don’t. I killed them.
Bella: Swoon.
Jacob: Wait, Bella. I love you too… but I’m a werewolf.
Bella: Gross. Wet dogs stink.
Edward: Hey guys, what’s up? I went away for a while but now I’m back.
Bella: I want you in my underpants.
Edward: You sure? Ok. Beat it, Jacob.
Bella: I’m preggers.
Edward: Sweet.
Bella: Here, Jacob. I like you. You can have my vampire daughter.
Jacob: Sweet. I love her.
Bella: Swoon.
THE END.
That said… Cougars, unfulfilled housewives, teen ladies and the handful of guys still in the closet about loving this stuff, your wait is over. Behold the trailer for Twilight: Eclipse.
I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.
Didn’t get enough of Jacob’s six pack abs or Edward’s hairy Milk Dud vampire nipples back in November? Well don’t fret, friend! The Twilight Saga: New Moon is hitting store shelves on DVD and Blu-ray on March 20, 2010! That’ll be a nice bridge for the Twihards who are fidgeting and antsy, either during class or while folding laundry, at the long gulf between the bleak month of January and June 30, 2010, when The Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits cinemas.
Oh, Nelly! Twihards are going to poop their pants over this news! Not only will fans of Edward Furrybrows, Jacob Wolfsack and Bella Sadpants be able to swoon and lust over their Stephanie Meyer-created crazy characters, but – BUT – they’ll be able to get their fix while watching The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on the very, very, very big screen of IMAX. Holy cuss!
So now might be time to relinquish my right to continue as a bear wrestling, hairy chested, card carrying male. I unapologetically enjoyed New Moon… all in spite of itself.
The MTV Video Music Awards were televised yesterday, and, as always, the ceremony was quite the self-congratulatory spectacle and bastion of controversy, with the douchebaggery highlight of the evening going to Kanye West, as he confirmed to the world that he is an egocentric, dim-witted, poor-mannered loser when he
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