Tag Archive for 'Taylor Lautner'

Twilight Eclipse Trailer = More of the Same

Published by Dan on March 11, 2010 in Coming Soon and Trailers. 8 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

Twilight is what it is: Love it, hate it or care less.

I don’t begrudge anyone their love for the series, but tend to hold coats in the “care less” line. The new trailer for the latest entry (directed by 30 Days of Night’s David Slade and chomping at the bit for its June 30 release) doesn’t help, considering it could have easily been used for last year’s New Moon. Has such a simple story ever felt like its climax has been so needlessly strung out? You know, besides Harry Potter?

Bella: I hate my life… wait! Oh, you’re hot. And pale.
Edward: Yes, I am. I’m also a 100-something year old pedophile, but luckily I’m trapped in this teenage body because I’m a vampire.
Bella: –Swoon– I’m so in love with you.
Edward: I love you too. And by I love you too, I mean you smell really good and I want to eat your neck.
Bella: Go for it, but I think some other vampires want my neck.
Edward: No they don’t. I killed them.
Bella: Swoon.
Jacob: Wait, Bella. I love you too… but I’m a werewolf.
Bella: Gross. Wet dogs stink.
Edward: Hey guys, what’s up? I went away for a while but now I’m back.
Bella: I want you in my underpants.
Edward: You sure? Ok. Beat it, Jacob.
Bella: I’m preggers.
Edward: Sweet.
Bella: Here, Jacob. I like you. You can have my vampire daughter.
Jacob: Sweet. I love her.
Bella: Swoon.

THE END.

That said… Cougars, unfulfilled housewives, teen ladies and the handful of guys still in the closet about loving this stuff, your wait is over. Behold the trailer for Twilight: Eclipse.

Breaking News: 99.7 Percent of Twilight Fans are Morons

Published by Andy on February 26, 2010 in Just for Fun and News. 1 Comment Tags: , , , , , , , .

I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.

Check out the email below, sent to George Roush of the website LatinoReview.com. If you’re having a bad Friday and need a good laugh, read Kayla Patterson’s words below or visit their website to see the email complete with attached images. Try not to punch your own loins in the process. Yes, she is that dumb.

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your

email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Movie Review (Dan’s Take): Valentine’s Day

Published by Dan on February 11, 2010 in Reviews. 3 Comments Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , .

With  no less than 20 billable stars and eight story lines, the humdrum Valentine’s Day is a marshmallow-fisted counter-attack against the cynical idea that “Love’s Day” is a corporate foisted, marketing driven excuse to steal money and inspire loveless singles feel bad about themselves. It’s a “one day where love conquers all and everyone gets their Valentine wish” movie. Or at least, that’s what the overly forced scripts tries to clobber home. Instead, Valentine’s Day offers a valentine box that’s not stuffed with homemade, handwritten tokens of affection, but their store-bought, shallow and emotionally truncated equivalent.

So here’s a moment of uncomfortable truth: I wanted to see this movie. Buoyed by the prospect of cozying up to a cloying, feel-good American companion to Love, Actually, Valentine’s Day felt like a chance to take in a round of filmic comfort food. But at the end of its two hours, even my Lady-Friend, who attended the screening with me, was disenfranchised. “It was OK” isn’t a blushing, melting endorsement from a core audience member.

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Twihards, Behold! New Moon DVD and Blu-ray Coming in March!

Published by Andy on January 19, 2010 in DVD/Blu Ray and News. 5 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Didn’t get enough of Jacob’s six pack abs or Edward’s hairy Milk Dud vampire nipples back in November? Well don’t fret, friend! The Twilight Saga: New Moon is hitting store shelves on DVD and Blu-ray on March 20, 2010! That’ll be a nice bridge for the Twihards who are fidgeting and antsy, either during class or while folding laundry, at the long gulf between the bleak month of January and June 30, 2010, when The Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits cinemas.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon DVD and Blu-ray will feature audio commentary from director, Chris Weitz and editor Peter Lambert, as well as a six part documentary, rehearsal footage, three music videos and a leaked sex tape with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Okay, the last one was a lie, but wouldn’t that be cool? No, you’re right, I didn’t think so either.

Cougars and Teens Rejoice! Twilight Coming to IMAX!

Published by Andy on December 9, 2009 in News. 4 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

imax-logoOh, Nelly! Twihards are going to poop their pants over this news! Not only will fans of Edward Furrybrows, Jacob Wolfsack and Bella Sadpants be able to swoon and lust over their Stephanie Meyer-created crazy characters, but – BUT – they’ll be able to get their fix while watching The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on the very, very, very big screen of IMAX. Holy cuss!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is directed by David Slade (30 Days of Night, Hard Candy) and continues the vampire-werewolf-depressed-chick saga started in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I don’t know much about the plot and I just had dinner, so I didn’t want to look, but something tells me that crazy vampire Victoria (this time played by Bryce Dallas Howard) will be out to get Bella, and Bella will still be giving Jacob the shaft whilst entertaining the pasty-skinned douche known as Edward. Everyone is telling me this one will have more action, too! Oh, boy! Can’t wait!

Sigh. Please, Twilight fans, let me know if I got that right. I’m guessing I did.

Movie Review – The Twilight Saga: New Moon (C+)

Published by Andy on November 20, 2009 in Reviews. 14 Comments Tags: , , , .

twilightnewmoonThe tidal wave of New Moon hysteria hit early this morning as thousands of women of all ages, along with 25 guys, streamed into screenings starting at midnight, all hoping the second film in The Twilight Saga would be as tasty or better than last year’s Twilight. Judging by the squeals and the oohs and the ahhs, I’d say 99 percent of the audience was satiated with enough gooey Edward and Bella romance to last until June 2010 when The Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits theaters. Me? I pulled my hood over my head and wept bitter tears for the unrequited love young Jacob must endure at the hands of that charlatan, Miss Swan.

Of course, I kid about hiding my face in my hood, but don’t be mistaken. While the New Moon tsunami has landed and will leave with its pockets full of cash, there is another fierce storm blowing across the web, this one in the form of severe hatred of all things Twilight, specifically the fans and the newest film. This is nothing new, I suppose, whereas Stephanie Meyer has been called a hack from coast-to-coast, the most notable being Stephen King’s lambasting of Meyer’s skills last February in USA Weekend. King said, “”Both Rowling and Meyer, they’re speaking directly to young people… the real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephanie Meyer can’t write worth a darn. She’s not very good.”

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Movie Review (Dan’s Take): The Twilight Saga: New Moon (B-)

Published by Dan on November 19, 2009 in Reviews. 10 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

twilight_saga_new_moon_ver2So now might be time to relinquish my right to continue as a bear wrestling, hairy chested, card carrying male. I unapologetically enjoyed New Moon… all in spite of itself.

Qualified: “enjoyed” doesn’t mean squealing, wooing, heart-stopping delight, but rather pleasant surprise at Chris Weitz’ relatively true handle on overwrought teen angst and the brief action beats that break it up.  In short, Weitz directs a film that, despite a ploddingly joyless eternal love between vampire Edward and heroine Bella (one that thankfully gets a breather for most of the movie), moves with enough humor, mild danger and character exposition to deepen and enliven a relatively shallow story.

New Moon continues the inexplicable love affair* between a 100+ year old vampire and 17 year old girl, as Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattison) grimace and mope mushy one-liners back and forth while arguing over whether or not Bella should become a vampire. If love is as painful as Bella and Edward make it look, love blows.

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The Twilight Saga: New Moon Trailer from the MTV VMAs

Published by Andy on September 14, 2009 in Almost News, Coming Soon and Trailers. 2 Comments Tags: , , , .

ed-jake-bella-new-moonThe MTV Video Music Awards were televised yesterday, and, as always, the ceremony was quite the self-congratulatory spectacle and bastion of controversy, with the douchebaggery highlight of the evening going to Kanye West, as he confirmed to the world that he is an egocentric, dim-witted, poor-mannered loser when he upstaged Taylor Swift’s Best Female Video winner’s speech. Thankfully, West was booed out of the auditorium and received a glut of negative Tweets about his unsportsmanlike behavior, the best of which was Katy Perry’s, “F*** u Kanye. It’s like you stepped on a kitten.”

At any rate, between West, Lady Gaga’s crazy blood-soaked performance of Paparazzi, Lil’ Mama’s takeover of Jay-Z and Alicia Key’s duet of Empire State of Mind and the not-so-funny musings and jokes from the show’s host, Russell Brand (Forgetting Sarah Marshall), people completely forgot about the big movie news of the evening:

The final trailer for The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

In case you missed the preview, you can watch the two-plus minute trailer below. As expected, we’ve got more brooding Edward, more angst-ridden Jacob and the ever whiny Bella, who is starting to sound like a dude from all the smoking she does. We also get to see shots of Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning as members of the Volturi family.

So, what’s the verdict? I’d like to know your thoughts. Personally, I think it looks a step above Twilight and should quench the thirsts of the hungry Twihards who have been pining for New Moon all year. There are some seemingly corny bits, but those appear more story-based and less about the skill of the filmmakers. Check out the trailer below and share your thoughts please. If you’ve read the book (or books), based on the trailer how will the movie version hold up?