It’s Official, Twihards: One Year Wait Between Breaking Dawn Part One and Two

Twilight fans have been a spoiled bunch. In less than two years they’ve enjoyed three movies – Twilight, The Twilight Saga: New Moon, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse – hewed from their beloved Stephanie Meyer vampire/werewolf romance series of the same name. Star Wars fans had to wait six years for three movies and even Lord of The Rings groupies had to wait three years for their saga to be completed.

Well, karma has come full circle, my friends. At last Twilight haters will have their revenge.

Twihards were already grumpy about having to wait almost a year and a half between The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (released on June 30, 2010) and The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part I (releasing November 11, 2011), but now they’ll have to wait another year for Breaking Dawn – Part II to hit theaters on November 16, 2012. Despite the wailing, weeping, gnawing and gnashing of teeth by Team Edward and Team Jacob, this is a smart move by Summit Entertainment. This allows them to extend the life of Twilight and milk the franchise for every last drop of cougar cash.

As a side note, and I should point out I’ve never read the Twilight books, I’d like to go on record by saying Breaking Dawn sounds like a crock of shit. Reading the plot summary on Wikipedia has literally made me want to punch my own testicles. All the will-she-or-won’t-she questions are gone and with it the suspense and drama and whatever semblance of a story Meyer had concocted before this fourth book, and that’s being generous. Breaking Dawn seems like Meyer’s attempt at being Switzerland, especially with Jacob “imprinting” himself on Bella’s newborn vampire-human daughter. Oh, you couldn’t have Bella, well hope lil’ sis is good enough. And that’s not all – will someone please explain to me how a vampire, the walking dead, can get a human pregnant? I mean, I’ve heard of shooting blanks, but what is a vampire shooting?

In the end, I see Breaking Dawn as a flimsy, limp capstone to a franchise that was already borderline ridiculous to being with. In the end, I see Meyer’s saga for what it really is: a soap opera, full of kooky creatures and make believe, written as justification for a life’s worth of regretful, logic-based choices. She calls it fiction, but I see a four-part journal entry.

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (B)

By ANDY MORGAN

Making fun of Twilight fans and bemoaning Stephanie Meyer’s novels and the subsequent movies is almost as easy as drumming up sarcastic jabs about Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton or Miley Cyrus. There’s no effort required. It’s easy. And it’s also out of control. It’s almost as popular to dump on the vampire-werewolf franchise as it is all the rage to scoop up Team Jacob or Team Edward paraphernalia at Hot Topic. Every time I see a teen with a mouthful of braces squeal her affection for the furry-browed Edward, or some 40 year-old lady, with the mileage of a bad marriage and five kids written on her countenance, gush at Jacob’s sculpted abs, I am simply befuddled beyond belief. How can such a ridiculous story cause such frenzy amongst its fanbase, most of whom are women?

And then I think of Star Wars nerds.

And Lord of the Rings geeks.

And the worshipers of comic books.

And I realize they are absolutely no different from the so-called Twihards.

Wearing a Team Edward shirt is no different than wearing a shirt with Darth Vader, the Eye of Sauron, Batman, Harry Potter, or Optimus Prime. Fans are fans, and like it or not, Twilight is a phenomenon with a tremendous following. As such, it brings out the haters. And that’s fine, but the naysayers ought to think twice about skipping The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, because director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) finally assembles all the wayward pieces of the last two films and leaves the audience with a fast-paced, action-filled soap opera that has both feet planted firmly in the realm of entertainment and less in the land of eye-rolling cheese.

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MTV Movie Awards Exclusive Twilight Eclipse Clip

If you missed the MTV Movie Awards yesterday, then you definitely missed this exclusive Eclipse clip (say that 10 times fast) and that means you also missed some serious Edward/Jacob tension. I’m not a Twilight fan, but The Twilight Saga: Eclipse might be the best film of the soon-to-be quintology.

Click here to see the clip, or click the article headline above.

From the Files of Blah: New Twilight Eclipse Trailer Online

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse got a brand new trailer today – unveiled on Oprah – and while there isn’t any “I’ll fight for you until your heart stops beating” lines of love from six-packed lycans, there are certainly enough WTF moments to cause the Twitarded folks to scratch their heads and drool, which means there is enough nerd candy for the Twihards to suck on until June 30.

I count myself, luckily, as Twilight illiterate, so I honestly had no clue what I was watching in this minute-plus clip. However, maybe it’s the rough quality from our pals at TrailerSpy.com, but this trailer seems a step down from the Eclipse full-length preview that hit the web in March. Or maybe it’s all the talk of this “epic battle” in Eclipse and all I see is a bunch of pasty-skinned Banana Republic models having it out with some Pound Puppies. Let’s be frank, this looks like turd.

So…Twilight fans…please, enlighten me – what do you see in this preview that makes you either (a) giddy or (b) disappointed? Do the images onscreen seem to fit the story told in the book?

Behold the Bland: New Twilight Eclipse Poster is 100% Lame

I’m not a fan of The Twilight Saga, but this poster blows. I know, I know. I sound surprised. I’m not, but if I was a fan, I’d be disappointed. Plus, am I the only one who can’t figure out why Bella isn’t picking Jacob over Edward? I mean, just from the poster wouldn’t you go with the dependable hunk over the pasty-skinned, brooding vampire who is always running away? Seems clear to me, but then girls generally like the douchebags, so go figure. I suppose what they say is true: Nice guys do finish last.

Enjoy the poster. Or not.

New Moon Available this Weekend = Twihard Depends Moment

It’s almost been four months since Glittery Ed and Dour-Faced Bella were seen together with Jacob “The Real Wolfman” Black on the big screen in The Twilight Saga: New Moon, and the release of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is almost equally far off. But don’t fret, Twihards. You can hop online right now, or head to your local DVD store this Friday night, and pick up your copy of The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

If you are looking to purchase your copy online and want to help Andy at The Movies earn a little revenue in the process, please order your DVD or Blu-ray from one of our affiliate partners below.

Amazon.com

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Two-Disc Special Edition) – DVD, $20.49.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon (Two-Disc Special Edition) – Blu-ray, $21.99.

Best Buy.com (you can buy online and pick-up at your local Best Buy store!)

The Twilight Saga: New Moon – Widescreen Subtitle AC3 Special – DVD, $20.49.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon – Widescreen Dubbed Subtitle AC3 – Blu-ray, $21.99.

Twilight Eclipse Trailer = More of the Same

Twilight is what it is: Love it, hate it or care less.

I don’t begrudge anyone their love for the series, but tend to hold coats in the “care less” line. The new trailer for the latest entry (directed by 30 Days of Night‘s David Slade and chomping at the bit for its June 30 release) doesn’t help, considering it could have easily been used for last year’s New Moon. Has such a simple story ever felt like its climax has been so needlessly strung out? You know, besides Harry Potter?

Bella: I hate my life… wait! Oh, you’re hot. And pale.
Edward: Yes, I am. I’m also a 100-something year old pedophile, but luckily I’m trapped in this teenage body because I’m a vampire.
Bella: –Swoon– I’m so in love with you.
Edward: I love you too. And by I love you too, I mean you smell really good and I want to eat your neck.
Bella: Go for it, but I think some other vampires want my neck.
Edward: No they don’t. I killed them.
Bella: Swoon.
Jacob: Wait, Bella. I love you too… but I’m a werewolf.
Bella: Gross. Wet dogs stink.
Edward: Hey guys, what’s up? I went away for a while but now I’m back.
Bella: I want you in my underpants.
Edward: You sure? Ok. Beat it, Jacob.
Bella: I’m preggers.
Edward: Sweet.
Bella: Here, Jacob. I like you. You can have my vampire daughter.
Jacob: Sweet. I love her.
Bella: Swoon.

THE END.

That said… Cougars, unfulfilled housewives, teen ladies and the handful of guys still in the closet about loving this stuff, your wait is over. Behold the trailer for Twilight: Eclipse.

Breaking News: 99.7 Percent of Twilight Fans are Morons

I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.

Check out the email below, sent to George Roush of the website LatinoReview.com. If you’re having a bad Friday and need a good laugh, read Kayla Patterson’s words below or visit their website to see the email complete with attached images. Try not to punch your own loins in the process. Yes, she is that dumb.

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your

email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Movie Review (Dan’s Take): Valentine’s Day

With  no less than 20 billable stars and eight story lines, the humdrum Valentine’s Day is a marshmallow-fisted counter-attack against the cynical idea that “Love’s Day” is a corporate foisted, marketing driven excuse to steal money and inspire loveless singles feel bad about themselves. It’s a “one day where love conquers all and everyone gets their Valentine wish” movie. Or at least, that’s what the overly forced scripts tries to clobber home. Instead, Valentine’s Day offers a valentine box that’s not stuffed with homemade, handwritten tokens of affection, but their store-bought, shallow and emotionally truncated equivalent.

So here’s a moment of uncomfortable truth: I wanted to see this movie. Buoyed by the prospect of cozying up to a cloying, feel-good American companion to Love, Actually, Valentine’s Day felt like a chance to take in a round of filmic comfort food. But at the end of its two hours, even my Lady-Friend, who attended the screening with me, was disenfranchised. “It was OK” isn’t a blushing, melting endorsement from a core audience member.

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Twihards, Behold! New Moon DVD and Blu-ray Coming in March!

Didn’t get enough of Jacob’s six pack abs or Edward’s hairy Milk Dud vampire nipples back in November? Well don’t fret, friend! The Twilight Saga: New Moon is hitting store shelves on DVD and Blu-ray on March 20, 2010! That’ll be a nice bridge for the Twihards who are fidgeting and antsy, either during class or while folding laundry, at the long gulf between the bleak month of January and June 30, 2010, when The Twilight Saga: Eclipse hits cinemas.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon DVD and Blu-ray will feature audio commentary from director, Chris Weitz and editor Peter Lambert, as well as a six part documentary, rehearsal footage, three music videos and a leaked sex tape with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Okay, the last one was a lie, but wouldn’t that be cool? No, you’re right, I didn’t think so either.