Thanks for Screwing Me Over, Twihards!

Despite opening on 4,468 screens and having a rabid fanbase of emotional tweens, teens and housewives, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which I thought was a decent movie – easily the best in the Twilight franchise, isn’t even going to come close to Toy Story 3’s summer score at the box office. As of this writing, Edward and Jacob sit a cool $100 million behind Buzz and Woody. Hell, it hasn’t even beaten its predecessor, The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

So, thanks for nothing Twihards. Hot Topic might have won, but I sure didn’t. I thought for sure you loons would win me a steak. I didn’t realize the Team Edward and Team Jacob throng, while loud and obnoxious, was actually pretty small. Sure, your multiple viewings have generated $285 million in domestic revenue for Summit Entertainment, but your Stephanie Meyer-created Holy Grail doesn’t resonate with Joe and Jill the Plumber. Maybe the 16 Twilight-free months between now and November 18, 2011, when Breaking Dawn (the first part) hits theaters, will blue ball you folks into taking that movie to new heights money-wise. But probably not, because as we’re learning movie-by-movie, Twilight isn’t a universe – like Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter; it’s an emotion and the heartstrings can only carry you so far and only attract so many, just ask the daytime soaps.

At any rate, it appears I’ll be taking KVNU’s Tyler Riggs to Golden Corral so he can enjoy a succulent sirloin and dine amongst all the nursing home escapees and illegal immigrants. A bet is a bet and Mr. Riggs has once again proven prophetic. Kudos to you, Tyler and a hearty bowl of FU soup to the Twilight fans that screwed me over. If only you had all seen it 12 times instead of five! Damn you!

Movie Review: The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (B)

By ANDY MORGAN

Making fun of Twilight fans and bemoaning Stephanie Meyer’s novels and the subsequent movies is almost as easy as drumming up sarcastic jabs about Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton or Miley Cyrus. There’s no effort required. It’s easy. And it’s also out of control. It’s almost as popular to dump on the vampire-werewolf franchise as it is all the rage to scoop up Team Jacob or Team Edward paraphernalia at Hot Topic. Every time I see a teen with a mouthful of braces squeal her affection for the furry-browed Edward, or some 40 year-old lady, with the mileage of a bad marriage and five kids written on her countenance, gush at Jacob’s sculpted abs, I am simply befuddled beyond belief. How can such a ridiculous story cause such frenzy amongst its fanbase, most of whom are women?

And then I think of Star Wars nerds.

And Lord of the Rings geeks.

And the worshipers of comic books.

And I realize they are absolutely no different from the so-called Twihards.

Wearing a Team Edward shirt is no different than wearing a shirt with Darth Vader, the Eye of Sauron, Batman, Harry Potter, or Optimus Prime. Fans are fans, and like it or not, Twilight is a phenomenon with a tremendous following. As such, it brings out the haters. And that’s fine, but the naysayers ought to think twice about skipping The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, because director David Slade (Hard Candy, 30 Days of Night) finally assembles all the wayward pieces of the last two films and leaves the audience with a fast-paced, action-filled soap opera that has both feet planted firmly in the realm of entertainment and less in the land of eye-rolling cheese.

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MTV Movie Awards Exclusive Twilight Eclipse Clip

If you missed the MTV Movie Awards yesterday, then you definitely missed this exclusive Eclipse clip (say that 10 times fast) and that means you also missed some serious Edward/Jacob tension. I’m not a Twilight fan, but The Twilight Saga: Eclipse might be the best film of the soon-to-be quintology.

Click here to see the clip, or click the article headline above.

From the Files of Blah: New Twilight Eclipse Trailer Online

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse got a brand new trailer today – unveiled on Oprah – and while there isn’t any “I’ll fight for you until your heart stops beating” lines of love from six-packed lycans, there are certainly enough WTF moments to cause the Twitarded folks to scratch their heads and drool, which means there is enough nerd candy for the Twihards to suck on until June 30.

I count myself, luckily, as Twilight illiterate, so I honestly had no clue what I was watching in this minute-plus clip. However, maybe it’s the rough quality from our pals at TrailerSpy.com, but this trailer seems a step down from the Eclipse full-length preview that hit the web in March. Or maybe it’s all the talk of this “epic battle” in Eclipse and all I see is a bunch of pasty-skinned Banana Republic models having it out with some Pound Puppies. Let’s be frank, this looks like turd.

So…Twilight fans…please, enlighten me – what do you see in this preview that makes you either (a) giddy or (b) disappointed? Do the images onscreen seem to fit the story told in the book?

Behold the Bland: New Twilight Eclipse Poster is 100% Lame

I’m not a fan of The Twilight Saga, but this poster blows. I know, I know. I sound surprised. I’m not, but if I was a fan, I’d be disappointed. Plus, am I the only one who can’t figure out why Bella isn’t picking Jacob over Edward? I mean, just from the poster wouldn’t you go with the dependable hunk over the pasty-skinned, brooding vampire who is always running away? Seems clear to me, but then girls generally like the douchebags, so go figure. I suppose what they say is true: Nice guys do finish last.

Enjoy the poster. Or not.

Breaking News: 99.7 Percent of Twilight Fans are Morons

I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.

Check out the email below, sent to George Roush of the website LatinoReview.com. If you’re having a bad Friday and need a good laugh, read Kayla Patterson’s words below or visit their website to see the email complete with attached images. Try not to punch your own loins in the process. Yes, she is that dumb.

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your

email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Twilight Eclipse Levi Lovin’ Photos Removed via Cease and Desist

Faithful readers of AndyatTheMovies.com probably saw a post a few days ago that featured some new Levi lovin’ images from the upcoming (June 2010) release of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. We have since been asked formally by Summit Entertainment’s legal counsel to take the images off the site. You can read the full text of the letter after the jump.

I can’t imagine why Summit wouldn’t want a little free press, even if I am mocking the film to some extent. But more importantly, what are they trying to protect? Secrets from the movie? I doubt it, because those images are so bland and non-descript they could have been from any of the three Twilight movies. Seems to be they’re being heavy-handed and uptight, but that’s ok, because while I can’t share the images any more, I can share an artist’s interpretation of what was shown in the images. Click for the full-sized masterpiece.

Enjoy.

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Cougars and Teens Rejoice! Twilight Coming to IMAX!

Oh, Nelly! Twihards are going to poop their pants over this news! Not only will fans of Edward Furrybrows, Jacob Wolfsack and Bella Sadpants be able to swoon and lust over their Stephanie Meyer-created crazy characters, but – BUT – they’ll be able to get their fix while watching The Twilight Saga: Eclipse on the very, very, very big screen of IMAX. Holy cuss!

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse is directed by David Slade (30 Days of Night, Hard Candy) and continues the vampire-werewolf-depressed-chick saga started in Twilight and The Twilight Saga: New Moon. I don’t know much about the plot and I just had dinner, so I didn’t want to look, but something tells me that crazy vampire Victoria (this time played by Bryce Dallas Howard) will be out to get Bella, and Bella will still be giving Jacob the shaft whilst entertaining the pasty-skinned douche known as Edward. Everyone is telling me this one will have more action, too! Oh, boy! Can’t wait!

Sigh. Please, Twilight fans, let me know if I got that right. I’m guessing I did.

Ashley Greene is a Reason for Dudes to See New Moon

Your a dude. You like the ladies. Your girlfriend/wife/significant other wants you to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon, but you can’t think of anything more excruciating. A trip to the dentist for a root canal sounds better. You’d even rather watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie while having uncontrollable diarrhea. Anything but Edward and Bella.

Well, fellas, say hi to Ashely Greene. She played Alice Cullen in last year’s Twilight and is reprising the role in The Twilight Saga: New Moon and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. She is amazingly hot and this picture from her Maxim photo shoot proves that fact. So, yeah, maybe shelling out a full-priced ticket for this vampire chick flick isn’t such a terrible idea after all.

Twilight’s No Name Actress Wants You to Say No to Fur

Do you know who Christian Serratos is? Wait, let me answer for you: no.

I didn’t either until she bared her booty for PETA in a Twilight-esque advertisement speaking out against wearing fur. According to IMDB.com, Ms. Serratos portrayed Angela Weber in Twilight and is slated to reprise the role in next week’s The Twilight Saga: New Moon and June 2010′s The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. According to The Twilight Saga Wiki, Angela becomes a good friend to Bella after her depression in New Moon. Looks like Serratos/Angela has shown her new moon, as well!

Ba dum dah! Ching! Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

Personally, I’m not a fan of PETA and its tactics, but I do think wearing fur is a tacky fashion choice. As far as this ad goes, well, you have to hand it to PETA for milking Twilight to their advantage. I’m sure it won’t hurt Ms. Serratos to bare her airbrushed derriere either. Probably the only one fuming about this is Stephanie Meyer. Perhaps Oprah will bring this up when she chats with Stephanie Meyer this Friday on her show. I doubt it, but you know Meyer’s Mormonism, politics and possibly gay and lesbian issues are likely on tap.

Either way, click for Christian Serratos PETA ad. It’s just a bare butt, but still, probably NSFW.