Tag Archive for 'twilight'

Twilight Eclipse Trailer = More of the Same

Published by Dan on March 11, 2010 in Coming Soon and Trailers. 8 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

Twilight is what it is: Love it, hate it or care less.

I don’t begrudge anyone their love for the series, but tend to hold coats in the “care less” line. The new trailer for the latest entry (directed by 30 Days of Night’s David Slade and chomping at the bit for its June 30 release) doesn’t help, considering it could have easily been used for last year’s New Moon. Has such a simple story ever felt like its climax has been so needlessly strung out? You know, besides Harry Potter?

Bella: I hate my life… wait! Oh, you’re hot. And pale.
Edward: Yes, I am. I’m also a 100-something year old pedophile, but luckily I’m trapped in this teenage body because I’m a vampire.
Bella: –Swoon– I’m so in love with you.
Edward: I love you too. And by I love you too, I mean you smell really good and I want to eat your neck.
Bella: Go for it, but I think some other vampires want my neck.
Edward: No they don’t. I killed them.
Bella: Swoon.
Jacob: Wait, Bella. I love you too… but I’m a werewolf.
Bella: Gross. Wet dogs stink.
Edward: Hey guys, what’s up? I went away for a while but now I’m back.
Bella: I want you in my underpants.
Edward: You sure? Ok. Beat it, Jacob.
Bella: I’m preggers.
Edward: Sweet.
Bella: Here, Jacob. I like you. You can have my vampire daughter.
Jacob: Sweet. I love her.
Bella: Swoon.

THE END.

That said… Cougars, unfulfilled housewives, teen ladies and the handful of guys still in the closet about loving this stuff, your wait is over. Behold the trailer for Twilight: Eclipse.

Breaking News: 99.7 Percent of Twilight Fans are Morons

Published by Andy on February 26, 2010 in Just for Fun and News. 1 Comment Tags: , , , , , , , .

I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.

Check out the email below, sent to George Roush of the website LatinoReview.com. If you’re having a bad Friday and need a good laugh, read Kayla Patterson’s words below or visit their website to see the email complete with attached images. Try not to punch your own loins in the process. Yes, she is that dumb.

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your

email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Devin Faraci’s Twilight Tantrum is Hilarious!

Published by Andy on December 2, 2009 in Almost News and Offbeat and Odd. 5 Comments Tags: , , , , .

breakingdawnI haven’t read one word of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, but I have seen the movies and they’re nothing special. I have read two pages of Meyer’s novel, The Host, and I thought it was absolute poop. Not just poop, in fact, but cat poop, which is the worst. At any rate, I’m not going to start banging the I-Hate-Twilight drum, because I also refuse to jump on it’s sibling, the I-Dry-Hump-Twilight bandwagon. I prefer to stay Switzerland on this topic.

Devin Faraci of CHUD.com isn’t so neutral on the subject of Twilight and especially the last novel of the series, Breaking Dawn. Faraci is a highly-regarded member of the online film community and is definitely a lightning rod with his succinct and oftentimes scathing opinions. However, if you happen to agree with him, he is pretty damn funny.  And while I won’t take pot shots at Meyer’s Mormon religion like Faraci does, I will agree with him that she is a terrible writer. I tip my hat to her on the success she’s had, but pound-for-pound her stories and her ability are questionable. Frankly, I think Meyer’s success can be attributed to the brainless buying many in our society do on a daily basis. If something has buzz and is ranked high on a list it must be good and worthy of my hard-earned dollars. Right? Wrong.

Back to Faraci – here’s one of my favorite paragraphs in his Breaking Dawn beatdown:

The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

He continues:

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

You can read the full text of Faraci’s scathing rant here, but what do you think? Have you read Breaking Dawn? From what I gather it’s the least favorite book amongst the Twihards. Or, are we all heartless bastards? If so, please, enlighten us.

Vampax: Twilight Tampons Give Me the Chuckles!

Published by Andy on November 24, 2009 in Clips and Just for Fun. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Leave it to the folks at FunnyorDie.com to make the funniest Twilight spoof on the web. I shot Mountain Dew Code Red out my nose while watching this clip starring Brandon Routh (Superman Returns) and Martha Macisaac (Superbad).

Feeling Twi-Numb? This Video is For You!

Published by Andy on November 21, 2009 in Just for Fun. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

A little Twilight parody from G4TV that should have the Twilight and Edward Cullen haters feeling pretty happy. Happy Saturday!

Yeah, I’ll Defend of New Moon. Kind of.

Published by Dan on November 20, 2009 in Commentary. 13 Comments Tags: , .

new-moon-photosNew Moon is currently basking in a pile of critical distaste. It’s currently a sad and deflated 30% on Rotten Tomatoes and has 70% of listed critics giving it stink eye. Not that critical ire matters in terms of films like these. New Moon will make its money and add further fuel to the “critics are out of touch” fire– just like Twilight’s spiritual cinematic brothers G.I. Joe and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen did this summer. Critical loathing won’t make a bit of difference.

And really, critical loathing is fine– it’s a collective strength of disparate film criticism. But I’m beginning to wonder if the critical hate for New Moon is legitimately aimed at the film or, as stated in my review, if it’s based on fighting to maintain disgruntled predisposition, groupthink “street cred” and the abhorrence of associating with an estrogen-fueled pop phenomenon. A dissenting review is legitimate, but the smarmy strain at repugnance I’m seeing in so many New Moon reviews seems at least partially inspired by a personal beef with the phenomenon more than the film itself.

Continue reading ‘Yeah, I’ll Defend of New Moon. Kind of.’

Movie Review (Dan’s Take): The Twilight Saga: New Moon (B-)

Published by Dan on November 19, 2009 in Reviews. 10 Comments Tags: , , , , , .

twilight_saga_new_moon_ver2So now might be time to relinquish my right to continue as a bear wrestling, hairy chested, card carrying male. I unapologetically enjoyed New Moon… all in spite of itself.

Qualified: “enjoyed” doesn’t mean squealing, wooing, heart-stopping delight, but rather pleasant surprise at Chris Weitz’ relatively true handle on overwrought teen angst and the brief action beats that break it up.  In short, Weitz directs a film that, despite a ploddingly joyless eternal love between vampire Edward and heroine Bella (one that thankfully gets a breather for most of the movie), moves with enough humor, mild danger and character exposition to deepen and enliven a relatively shallow story.

New Moon continues the inexplicable love affair* between a 100+ year old vampire and 17 year old girl, as Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattison) grimace and mope mushy one-liners back and forth while arguing over whether or not Bella should become a vampire. If love is as painful as Bella and Edward make it look, love blows.

Continue reading ‘Movie Review (Dan’s Take): The Twilight Saga: New Moon (B-)’

New Moon Fans Quickly Taking the Cake as Biggest Freaks on Earth

Published by Andy on November 15, 2009 in Offbeat and Odd. 5 Comments Tags: , .

Rumor has it Twilight fans were only a breath away from eclipsing Star Wars and Star Trek fans as the biggest dorks on the planet, but these two girls going bananas over New Moon actors Edi Gathegi (Laurent) and Jamie Campbell Bower (Caius) apparently tipped the scales in favor of the Twihards. Thanks to the Salt Lake Tribune for the image, taken yesterday at the Fashion Place Mall in Murray.

20091114_110406_New Moon rotator

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Ashley Greene is a Reason for Dudes to See New Moon

Published by Andy on November 11, 2009 in Images and Just for Fun. 16 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Your a dude. You like the ladies. Your girlfriend/wife/significant other wants you to see The Twilight Saga: New Moon, but you can’t think of anything more excruciating. A trip to the dentist for a root canal sounds better. You’d even rather watch reruns of Little House on the Prairie while having uncontrollable diarrhea. Anything but Edward and Bella.

Well, fellas, say hi to Ashely Greene. She played Alice Cullen in last year’s Twilight and is reprising the role in The Twilight Saga: New Moon and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. She is amazingly hot and this picture from her Maxim photo shoot proves that fact. So, yeah, maybe shelling out a full-priced ticket for this vampire chick flick isn’t such a terrible idea after all.

Twilight’s No Name Actress Wants You to Say No to Fur

Published by Andy on November 10, 2009 in Almost News and Images. 11 Comments Tags: , , , , .

41835203Do you know who Christian Serratos is? Wait, let me answer for you: no.

I didn’t either until she bared her booty for PETA in a Twilight-esque advertisement speaking out against wearing fur. According to IMDB.com, Ms. Serratos portrayed Angela Weber in Twilight and is slated to reprise the role in next week’s The Twilight Saga: New Moon and June 2010’s The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. According to The Twilight Saga Wiki, Angela becomes a good friend to Bella after her depression in New Moon. Looks like Serratos/Angela has shown her new moon, as well!

Ba dum dah! Ching! Thanks, I’ll be here all week.

Personally, I’m not a fan of PETA and its tactics, but I do think wearing fur is a tacky fashion choice. As far as this ad goes, well, you have to hand it to PETA for milking Twilight to their advantage. I’m sure it won’t hurt Ms. Serratos to bare her airbrushed derriere either. Probably the only one fuming about this is Stephanie Meyer. Perhaps Oprah will bring this up when she chats with Stephanie Meyer this Friday on her show. I doubt it, but you know Meyer’s Mormonism, politics and possibly gay and lesbian issues are likely on tap.

Either way, click for Christian Serratos PETA ad. It’s just a bare butt, but still, probably NSFW.