Proof that Twilight is Super Gay

From the Files of Blah: New Twilight Eclipse Trailer Online

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse got a brand new trailer today – unveiled on Oprah – and while there isn’t any “I’ll fight for you until your heart stops beating” lines of love from six-packed lycans, there are certainly enough WTF moments to cause the Twitarded folks to scratch their heads and drool, which means there is enough nerd candy for the Twihards to suck on until June 30.

I count myself, luckily, as Twilight illiterate, so I honestly had no clue what I was watching in this minute-plus clip. However, maybe it’s the rough quality from our pals at TrailerSpy.com, but this trailer seems a step down from the Eclipse full-length preview that hit the web in March. Or maybe it’s all the talk of this “epic battle” in Eclipse and all I see is a bunch of pasty-skinned Banana Republic models having it out with some Pound Puppies. Let’s be frank, this looks like turd.

So…Twilight fans…please, enlighten me – what do you see in this preview that makes you either (a) giddy or (b) disappointed? Do the images onscreen seem to fit the story told in the book?

Behold the Bland: New Twilight Eclipse Poster is 100% Lame

I’m not a fan of The Twilight Saga, but this poster blows. I know, I know. I sound surprised. I’m not, but if I was a fan, I’d be disappointed. Plus, am I the only one who can’t figure out why Bella isn’t picking Jacob over Edward? I mean, just from the poster wouldn’t you go with the dependable hunk over the pasty-skinned, brooding vampire who is always running away? Seems clear to me, but then girls generally like the douchebags, so go figure. I suppose what they say is true: Nice guys do finish last.

Enjoy the poster. Or not.

Twilight Eclipse Trailer = More of the Same

Twilight is what it is: Love it, hate it or care less.

I don’t begrudge anyone their love for the series, but tend to hold coats in the “care less” line. The new trailer for the latest entry (directed by 30 Days of Night‘s David Slade and chomping at the bit for its June 30 release) doesn’t help, considering it could have easily been used for last year’s New Moon. Has such a simple story ever felt like its climax has been so needlessly strung out? You know, besides Harry Potter?

Bella: I hate my life… wait! Oh, you’re hot. And pale.
Edward: Yes, I am. I’m also a 100-something year old pedophile, but luckily I’m trapped in this teenage body because I’m a vampire.
Bella: –Swoon– I’m so in love with you.
Edward: I love you too. And by I love you too, I mean you smell really good and I want to eat your neck.
Bella: Go for it, but I think some other vampires want my neck.
Edward: No they don’t. I killed them.
Bella: Swoon.
Jacob: Wait, Bella. I love you too… but I’m a werewolf.
Bella: Gross. Wet dogs stink.
Edward: Hey guys, what’s up? I went away for a while but now I’m back.
Bella: I want you in my underpants.
Edward: You sure? Ok. Beat it, Jacob.
Bella: I’m preggers.
Edward: Sweet.
Bella: Here, Jacob. I like you. You can have my vampire daughter.
Jacob: Sweet. I love her.
Bella: Swoon.

THE END.

That said… Cougars, unfulfilled housewives, teen ladies and the handful of guys still in the closet about loving this stuff, your wait is over. Behold the trailer for Twilight: Eclipse.

Breaking News: 99.7 Percent of Twilight Fans are Morons

I realize it’s easy and popular to bash the Twihards, Stephanie Meyer’s craptastic writing and the whole fabric of the Twilight universe, but while I poke fun at the fanbase (divided equally between cougars and those who just bought training bras), I do think some people tend to bash the movies and books simply because of the mass appeal. However, with that said, when I see Twilight fans sending ignorant hate mail, it just makes me want to mock them ceaselessly.

Check out the email below, sent to George Roush of the website LatinoReview.com. If you’re having a bad Friday and need a good laugh, read Kayla Patterson’s words below or visit their website to see the email complete with attached images. Try not to punch your own loins in the process. Yes, she is that dumb.

To whom this may concern:

This movie was a complete waste and I feel that it offends ALL Twilight Fans around the world, that including myself. For one, it was a COMPLETE remaking of the Wolf Pack from the Twilight Saga: New Moon. It gives the werewolves a bad name and makes them look like some deformed mutation of a rabid dog. I actually started to like werewolves after seeing Jacob Black and all his awesomeness on the big screen at the movies. That was until I saw your crappy remake of what you call to be a “were wolf”. I don’t see how you live with yourself for making it the way you did. If I made this movie, I would be ashamed to even admit that I owned it. How can a werewolf be killed with a silver bullet? Better yet, have you saw the transformation of the man that is “supposed” to be the wolf? He sits in some chair and his entire body turns in to some mutated freak. If you would watch the transformation of Jacob Black, (Taylor Lautner) he doesn’t come close to looking as fake, cheap and or mutated as the wolf man.  You tell me, who looks to be the better werewolf. Your stupid Wolf Movie didn’t even make the top Movie for the charts; Valentines Day WITH TAYLOR Lautner! Get that this is MY oppinion and I felt I wanted to express it because I saw that your

email was on your site. I wanted to let you know this is what i thought of the wolf man that sucks.
FREAKIN LAUTNER DID!

Devin Faraci’s Twilight Tantrum is Hilarious!

I haven’t read one word of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight series, but I have seen the movies and they’re nothing special. I have read two pages of Meyer’s novel, The Host, and I thought it was absolute poop. Not just poop, in fact, but cat poop, which is the worst. At any rate, I’m not going to start banging the I-Hate-Twilight drum, because I also refuse to jump on it’s sibling, the I-Dry-Hump-Twilight bandwagon. I prefer to stay Switzerland on this topic.

Devin Faraci of CHUD.com isn’t so neutral on the subject of Twilight and especially the last novel of the series, Breaking Dawn. Faraci is a highly-regarded member of the online film community and is definitely a lightning rod with his succinct and oftentimes scathing opinions. However, if you happen to agree with him, he is pretty damn funny.  And while I won’t take pot shots at Meyer’s Mormon religion like Faraci does, I will agree with him that she is a terrible writer. I tip my hat to her on the success she’s had, but pound-for-pound her stories and her ability are questionable. Frankly, I think Meyer’s success can be attributed to the brainless buying many in our society do on a daily basis. If something has buzz and is ranked high on a list it must be good and worthy of my hard-earned dollars. Right? Wrong.

Back to Faraci – here’s one of my favorite paragraphs in his Breaking Dawn beatdown:

The baby in Bella’s belly starts growing incredibly fast. And it starts hurting Bella, as each kick it gives has the super strength of a vampire behind it. As it grows, Bella gets sicker, and then the good stuff starts. The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine. Are you imagining Kristen Stewart wearing a fake pregnancy belly and pretending to have been suddenly crippled by her own fetus? Because I am and it’s making me laugh and laugh and laugh.

He continues:

Once the baby is out, Bella gets vamped by Edward, as she’s about to die at any moment. Then comes the most astonishing turn of events in 21st century literature, and possibly in the entire history of awful fiction aimed at tweens: Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

You can read the full text of Faraci’s scathing rant here, but what do you think? Have you read Breaking Dawn? From what I gather it’s the least favorite book amongst the Twihards. Or, are we all heartless bastards? If so, please, enlighten us.

Vampax: Twilight Tampons Give Me the Chuckles!

Leave it to the folks at FunnyorDie.com to make the funniest Twilight spoof on the web. I shot Mountain Dew Code Red out my nose while watching this clip starring Brandon Routh (Superman Returns) and Martha Macisaac (Superbad).

Feeling Twi-Numb? This Video is For You!

A little Twilight parody from G4TV that should have the Twilight and Edward Cullen haters feeling pretty happy. Happy Saturday!

Yeah, I’ll Defend of New Moon. Kind of.

New Moon is currently basking in a pile of critical distaste. It’s currently a sad and deflated 30% on Rotten Tomatoes and has 70% of listed critics giving it stink eye. Not that critical ire matters in terms of films like these. New Moon will make its money and add further fuel to the “critics are out of touch” fire– just like Twilight’s spiritual cinematic brothers G.I. Joe and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen did this summer. Critical loathing won’t make a bit of difference.

And really, critical loathing is fine– it’s a collective strength of disparate film criticism. But I’m beginning to wonder if the critical hate for New Moon is legitimately aimed at the film or, as stated in my review, if it’s based on fighting to maintain disgruntled predisposition, groupthink “street cred” and the abhorrence of associating with an estrogen-fueled pop phenomenon. A dissenting review is legitimate, but the smarmy strain at repugnance I’m seeing in so many New Moon reviews seems at least partially inspired by a personal beef with the phenomenon more than the film itself.

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Movie Review (Dan’s Take): The Twilight Saga: New Moon (B-)

So now might be time to relinquish my right to continue as a bear wrestling, hairy chested, card carrying male. I unapologetically enjoyed New Moon… all in spite of itself.

Qualified: “enjoyed” doesn’t mean squealing, wooing, heart-stopping delight, but rather pleasant surprise at Chris Weitz’ relatively true handle on overwrought teen angst and the brief action beats that break it up.  In short, Weitz directs a film that, despite a ploddingly joyless eternal love between vampire Edward and heroine Bella (one that thankfully gets a breather for most of the movie), moves with enough humor, mild danger and character exposition to deepen and enliven a relatively shallow story.

New Moon continues the inexplicable love affair* between a 100+ year old vampire and 17 year old girl, as Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattison) grimace and mope mushy one-liners back and forth while arguing over whether or not Bella should become a vampire. If love is as painful as Bella and Edward make it look, love blows.

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