Thanks for Screwing Me Over, Twihards!

Despite opening on 4,468 screens and having a rabid fanbase of emotional tweens, teens and housewives, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which I thought was a decent movie – easily the best in the Twilight franchise, isn’t even going to come close to Toy Story 3’s summer score at the box office. As of this writing, Edward and Jacob sit a cool $100 million behind Buzz and Woody. Hell, it hasn’t even beaten its predecessor, The Twilight Saga: New Moon.

So, thanks for nothing Twihards. Hot Topic might have won, but I sure didn’t. I thought for sure you loons would win me a steak. I didn’t realize the Team Edward and Team Jacob throng, while loud and obnoxious, was actually pretty small. Sure, your multiple viewings have generated $285 million in domestic revenue for Summit Entertainment, but your Stephanie Meyer-created Holy Grail doesn’t resonate with Joe and Jill the Plumber. Maybe the 16 Twilight-free months between now and November 18, 2011, when Breaking Dawn (the first part) hits theaters, will blue ball you folks into taking that movie to new heights money-wise. But probably not, because as we’re learning movie-by-movie, Twilight isn’t a universe – like Star Wars, Star Trek, or Harry Potter; it’s an emotion and the heartstrings can only carry you so far and only attract so many, just ask the daytime soaps.

At any rate, it appears I’ll be taking KVNU’s Tyler Riggs to Golden Corral so he can enjoy a succulent sirloin and dine amongst all the nursing home escapees and illegal immigrants. A bet is a bet and Mr. Riggs has once again proven prophetic. Kudos to you, Tyler and a hearty bowl of FU soup to the Twilight fans that screwed me over. If only you had all seen it 12 times instead of five! Damn you!

2 comments On Thanks for Screwing Me Over, Twihards!

  • How could you bet against ‘Toy Story 3’ man? It covers every demographic AND you got to take into account all the extra moolah made from 3-D and IMAX showings.

    • I had faith the Twihards would open their wallets at the box office, but alas, the fanbase is a lot smaller than I thought. Bastards!

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