Even Johnny Depp Thinks 3-D Movies Suck

I’ve opined many times on this very website about how I think 3-D was, is and will always be gimmicky, irrelevant and 100 percent lame. I have yet to see a movie, including last year’s darlings, Avatar and Up, where the three-dimensional technology enhanced the experience and story, making the feature unequivocally better. I can also say without hesitation there is no soon or yet to be movie that has piqued my interest because it will feature 3-D. I hate it and I hope it dies a quick and painful death.

Another reason I hate 3-D is I can’t even recognize it onscreen. Say what? Yeah, I have amblyopia – commonly referred to as “lazy eye” – which means the brain doesn’t fully acknowledge the images seen by the amblyopic eye, which, in my case, is my right eye. I wore a patch when I was really little and it went away until I was about 17 or 18. As of today, it’s just something I live with. And I’m not the only person suffering, as much as 5 percent of the populations suffer from amblyopia, with up to another 12 percent suffering from some degree of stereoblindness, which is the inability to see depth properly. That’s why Johnny Depp won’t be seeing Alice in Wonderland in 3-D. He recently told Entertainment Weekly, “I’ve got a weird thing where I don’t see properly out of my left eye, so I truly can’t see 3-D.”

What are your thoughts on 3-D movies nowadays and in the future? Yay or nay?

Johnny Depp Needs A Rest From Wonderland

Early word on Alice in Wonderland is that it’s wretched. Not that early buzz matters when pressed up against the hairy-chested brawn of studio marketing and Johnny “loved by all” Depp– (doing his best impression of Elijah Wood).

To celebrate, Obsessed with film rolls out the Alice In Wonderland red carpet with an interesting take on Johnny Depp and what he’s become “at the hands of Tim Burton”.

In the last five years, Depp has made the following films: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, the three Pirates of the Caribbean, Public Enemies, and Alice in Wonderland.  In only one – Public Enemies- could anyone argue that Depp played a recognizable human character that wasn’t a complete cartoon. The rest of those performances are shallow, one-note performances lacking in the depth that made some of his earlier craziness so enduring. Even his Jack Sparrow characterization, much vaunted by a stunned public at the time, is lunacy without any real point.

Amen.

Since Depp’s re-arrival amidst his much ballyhooed performance as Pirates of the Caribbean’s Jack Sparrow, the guy’s become the every man’s favorite actor. The general gushing about his acting skills as based solely on Captain Jack has always bothered me. Probably because it comes off as a false analysis of greatness: A cheap card trick that leaves the audiences giddily clapping with flat hands when the real magic was to be found elsewhere. When Johnny Depp was first cast as Jack Sparrow, was anyone talking about Depp as an all-star headliner off of his previous films The Libertine or Secret Window? … Continue Reading

Rating the 2010 Super Bowl Trailers

Congratulations to the New Orleans Saints on winning Super Bowl XLIV in what may have been the most boring NFL championship since, well, the last time the Indianapolis Colts went to the Super Bowl in 2007. And while I love football as much as the next dude, I won’t lie – I anticipate the commercial breaks in the hope I’ll see some genius advertising or some phenomenal movie preview.

This year’s commercials and trailers were ho-hum, except for the Google “Search On” ad (who thought you could tell a love story using a search engine in less than a minute?), the Doritos “House Rules” commercial and the Careerbuilder.com “Casual Friday” spot, the rest were either bizarre, unfunny or beyond stale (Bud Light, I’m talking to you).  Even more glaring was the absence of trailers for Iron Man 2, The A-Team, Clash of the Titans, Toy Story 3, Shrek Forever After, Despicable Me and Tron: Legacy.

Here’s a rundown of the movie trailers shown during Super Bowl XLIV. Click the movie name to watch the preview.

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It’s Official, Avatar Now the Box Office Shiz Niz

James Cameron must have a direct line to God or something, because the naysayers (including me) guffawed at the ballooned budget of 1997′s Titanic and predicted it would bomb at the box office. Instead, as we all know, Titanic became the worldwide and domestic box office champ, a record that’s held until today when, ironically, another big budget Cameron epic booted the iceberg-doomed ocean liner from number one to number two. And yes, I will admit, back on December 17, 2010 I didn’t think for a moment Avatar would be the highest grossing ever by February 4, 2010, less than two months since its release.

Now the question is what, if anything, can knock Avatar from it’s perch and will the Oscar success Avatar could see on March 7, 2010 fuel its earnings even further? Dan thought The Book of Eli might give Avatar some competition a few weeks ago, but Eli got kicked to the curb by the Na’vi by more than $10 million. I don’t think From Paris with Love, which Dan will review this Friday, has the chops to take down Avatar, but the Valentine’s Day weekend could see Avatar slip in the rankings, as The Wolfman, Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief and Valentine’s Day hit multiplexes and will suck some audience away from the 12-foot smurfs of Pandora.

At any rate, congratulations to James Cameron and his crew. Avatar is a great movie and it will be fun to see how high it will climb the charts. Again, I’m amazed Titanic has been eclipsed. I always thought it would be untouchable, sort of like John Stockton’s NBA all-time assists record. I wonder how long it will take for another movie to match Avatar’s success. Perhaps the bigger questions is what makes Avatar so special?

Why Nobody Cares About Independent Movies

If an independent movie plays in an independent cinema and no one goes to see it, did it really exist?

On last Friday’s KVNU Movie Show, we were asked why a community like Logan, Utah couldn’t have a successful independent cinema. Moving away from Logan, the heart of the question was really: “Why don’t mass audiences support independent film”? I gave some quick answer about how it’s marketing and awareness and word of mouth and when independent films have almost none of the above, no one cares.

In many cases, blissful ignorance in the face of something awesome is a bummer. Specifically, EVERYONE missed The Hurt Locker in 2009. Sure, it’s now harvesting eyeballs on home video, but two months ago even the mention of The Hurt Locker left most people looking dumbfounded. Thankfully, in the background, the movie raced to the top of the Oscar nomination list, which is sure to open it to more of the curious.

So what kept people from seeing The Hurt Locker when it was screening at indie  theaters (and megaplexes) across the country? And why don’t larger audiences, in general, give three craps about seeing anything that’s not hogging up at least three screens at the agoogleplex– especially when everyone says they “looooove movies”?

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Avatar Set to Sink Titanic’s Longstanding Box Office Reign

So three weeks ago on the KVNU Movie Show I stupidly claimed Avatar would be hard pressed to beat Titanic’s longstanding box office record of $600,788,188 and wouldn’t even come close to the iceberg-doomed ship’s grip on the all-time worldwide box office of $1,842,879,955. Sure it was making some noise in December, but recent box office trends suggested it would drop by 50% or more in consecutive release weeks. I was confident in my opinion.

Color me corrected. As, Tyler notes below. Avatar wants me to suck it.

Avatar will break both records and break them quite handily, most likely in the next two weeks, if not sooner. Considering James Cameron’s space odyssey will get nominated for – and possibly win – the best picture Oscar, would it be insane to suggest Avatar could come close to the $700 million mark domestically? More importantly, what is the driving thrust behind all the interest? Is this the work of more expensive tickets (3D and IMAX), or is this simply a magical movie?

Listen, I gave Avatar a B plus. I loved it. But did I think it would be the eventual all-time box office champ? Not in a million years.

Please, discuss – I’d like to know everyone’s thoughts on the matter.

‘Avatar’ to Andy: Suck it!

Andy, three weeks ago: “Avatar has no chance of upending Titanic.”

Andy, two weeks ago: “It’s very unlikely that Avatar will replace Titanic as the top grossing movie of all time.”

Andy, one week ago: “Avatar could beat Titanic.”

Andy, today: “Pwned.”

The socialist Canadian Broadcasting Company reports:

James Cameron’s 3-D blockbuster Avatar has toppled one of the many records set by his earlier epic, Titanic.

Kapuskasing, Ont.-born Cameron’s science fiction extravaganza spent a sixth consecutive week atop box offices in markets around the globe.

Its total haul of $1.288 billion US internationally (not including North America) has knocked Titanic (with $1.242 billion) to No. 2 — after the historical romance had reigned as champion for more than a decade, according to estimates from Avatar distributor, 20th Century Fox.

zOMGWTFBBQ!!!!!1111111one.

I guess it could be said that Titanic‘s record has sank like…well…

Avatar Wins Weekend Box Office and Golden Globes

Avatar hauled in another $41.3 million at the box office this weekend and leapfrogged Star Wars to become the third highest grossing domestic release of all-time. Another weekend like this and it will assuredly pass The Dark Knight. All of the sudden passing Titanic, something I thought was impossible last week, isn’t so insurmountable now. Plus, you have to expect a surge of interest with Avatar winning best picture and best director at The Golden Globes this evening. I’m a little split on whether or not I should be surprised in that regard. I loved Avatar, but personally, I would have given the nod to The Hurt Locker or Inglorious Basterds before handing the awards statue to the Cameron and his cadre of 12-foot tall blue aliens.

Oscar nominations will be announced February 2, 2010 and the awards telecast is on March 7, 2010, so we’ll see how much momentum the Golden Globe win gives Avatar heading into Hollywood’s biggest and most prestigious awards ceremony. Personally, I think Avatar has the best picture Oscar wrapped up, but then again I was hoping Slumdog Millionaire would receive a swift kick to the cinematic balls. Next to Shakespeare in Love, Slumdog Millionaire was one of the most over-hyped, bland best picture winners in recent memory. I’d probably stick Crash into that basket, too.

Best and Worst of 2009

I’ve been in a bad mood for the last few days, so I thought I’d follow my Best of the Decade article from earlier this week with a look back at 2009’s worst films. Then I realized that admist all my 2010 celebrations, I’d neglected to list the best of 2009 as well. I’m sure, like everything in the world of film, these are debatable. One person’s nightmare is another’s wet dream, so while I wanted to commit hara-kiri during I Love You, Beth Cooper, another person might have been clapping with joy and slapping their knee at all the fun and hijinx ensuing on screen.  Such is the beauty of le cinema. Anyhow, take a peek at my lists and please, as always, dish your two cents.

Worst

I Love You, Beth Cooper

Hayden Panettiere (TV’s Heroes) might be cute as a button, but this beauty and the nerd tale was literally unfunny from start to finish. If Panettiere hadn’t of dropped her towel for a nanosecond in the middle of the movie, I’d probably not have made it to the end. And what’s with Paul Rust? I’m supposed to believe he’s actually 17? He looks 35.

2012

Roland Emmerich has a chubby for disaster movies, but while Independence Day was a-ok, the rest – Godzilla, The Day After Tomorrow – have sucked big time. They are emotionless, void of character and chock full of preachy environmental messages. I’m okay with message movies, but I can’t keep my eyes open in Emmerich’s to get the message. I’ve heard people tell me this was fun and the special effects were cool. Those people are idiots.

Bruno

I thought Borat was ingenious and funny and a nice social commentary. Sacha Baron Cohen’s second film is nothing of the sort. In fact, it’s pretty offensive. As a gay fashion corespondent, Cohen manages to make himself look like a complete jackass. If I was a gay person, I’d be extremely pissed at this movie.

Land of the Lost

The TV show was lame, so why would the movie be in better? Oh, I know – because it has Will Ferrell and Danny McBride! Imagine my surprise when every part of this movie sucked. The only parts that kept me from giving this a F were the jokes about Ferrell’s Florsheim boots and the drugged out pool scene. Other than that – this movie was pure crap.

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

I didn’t catch this in theaters, but I definitely kept on pace with all the “America Loves Paul Blart!” hysteria. Well, America must be pretty hard up for a good time, or our collective IQ has hit rock bottom, because this movie was neither heartwarming or funny. It was 100 percent stupid. The only positive was the lovely Jayma Mays, who I can now ogle while watching TV’s Glee.

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Is This Poster What Bodes For Percy Jackson & The Olympians?

Because if it does, this movie is going to suck.

Movie posters (one-sheets) are a tricky thing. As part of a film’s marketing head of steam, the poster needs to eye-poppingly convey the tone and gist of the film it’s advertising. Sometimes they succeed as art, sometimes they succeed at stoking interest and other times, well… they don’t (I’m looking at your lazy attempts, floating heads).

Not that I’ve been anticipating the upcoming winner of “Bloated title of the Century”: Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightening Thief (I won’t be retyping that again, BTW), but this poster with a bunch of painted snakes weakly Photoshopped on Uma Thurman’s HUGE head is awful. Awful.

I may be a nitpicking bastard, but when I see dollar store crap like this plowing the way for a pretty sizable release, I can’t help but smell a tepid The Seeker or The Spiderwick Chronicles sized opening for Harry Potter vet Christopher Columbus’ next foray into the fantastical. For shame, Fox 2000 and Midnight Oil Creative. For. Shame.

Click to biggefy the travesty.